AN Abergavenny man has made the bizarre claim that a warlock stole his friend’s identities and replaced them with those of two well-known celebrities from the 1980s.

“I am all for a harmless bit of wizardry and witchcraft to keep the lights on,” explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip, “But what this warlock gone and done is a bit beyond the pale. Even for someone who claims he has lived for thousands of years and was the real-life inspiration for that dark lord geezer in the fantasy films obsessed with elves and getting his hands upon people’s rings!”

Turnip told the Chronicle that after he returned from the astral realms with the Triple Goddess’s blessing to be her chosen representation on Earth he was hoping to celebrate with his pals and make a night of it.

However, he claims that upon returning to his physical body on top of the Skirrid, his two pals, Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul appeared to have lost their minds.

“Now while there’s nothing unusual in that,” explained Turnip, “This time I could see that although the lights were definitely on, nobody was home. Or at least not the two partners in crime I had saved the world with on repeated occasions.”

Turnip added, “Admittedly, we had just banished the leprechauns from this realm and saved humanity from a pygmy apocalypse, and I had expected the boys to celebrate when I was gone, but they weren’t just a little cooked when I got back, their minds were fried.

"It was soon apparent that no drugs had done this to them but the dark arts of a seasoned warlock.”

Turnip revealed that in the place of his two friends, he now found two empty vessels who believed between them that they were Simon LeBon from Duran Duran and B.A. Baracus from the 1980s TV show The A-Team.

“It was a terrible thing to have to witness!” Explained Turnip. “For years Puerto Rico Paul has fought hard for his enviable reputation as the finest Simon LeBon tribute act in Monmouthshire.

“Yet no matter how closely he came to resemble his idol he respected the boundaries between reality and fantasy. But now the lines weren’t just blurred they were non-existent. The man I once knew as Paul was prancing around like Bambi and singing Duran Duran songs non-stop to an imaginary audience. If the top of the Skirrid was his stage, the whole of Wales was his audience. It was pitiful.

“At one point after finishing a painful rendition of ‘Rio,’ he screamed out loud to an invisible crowd. ‘How you doing Wembley? You ready to have a good time.’ He then put his ear to his hand and grinned manically. The only reply was the tweet of some frightened bird, but that didn’t seem to bother him.”

Turnip explained that he knew he had lost his friend to black magic when after about a minute he roared back into the hushed stillness of the empty mountaintop, “Here’s a little tune you might know. If you’re hungry like the wolf, then howl Wembley, howl!”

Turnip told the Chronicle, “Paul then started to do “a weird dad dance on one leg with both arms waving in the air like he was drowning or falling off a cliff or something. My friend was obviously demented and needed help.

“As I looked around I caught sight of Earl Elderflower slightly levitating above the ground and smiling at me in a knowing and mocking manner. I was about to rush the warlock and put the nut on him when something big, powerful, and no doubt, slightly insane, pushed me from behind."

Turnip added, “It was Big Tony but I could see from his snarling features and empty eyes that something old and evil beyond reckoning had seized his soul.

“He grabbed the front of my shirt, pulled me up from the ground, and with his face inches from mine bellowed, ‘That Tyson fight was a fix fool. That Jake Paul Chump got no technique, no game, no class. A killer like Tyson could have taken one hit at that big and unguarded big moon face of his at any time and its lights out. Tyson played him and the world. Champ still got the swag, style, and smarts. All the other chump got is a bitch mouth and a social media presence. Don’t put me on no plane fool coz I ain’t buying that clown’s jibber-jabber!’”

Turnip explained, “It dawned on me like a diseased sun that Big Tony thought he was now his childhood hero - B.A. Baracus from the A-Team!

“I said ‘Tony! You’ve got to fight this like you’ve never fought anything before. Imagine you’re Cardiff and this demonic force is Swansea if that helps old friend!’

“But it was no good, he just threw me to the ground and snarled, ‘Shut up fool, you ain’t no fish!’

“As Paul broke into a manic dance and a tuneless rendition of ‘Wild Boys,’ and Big Tony strutted around the place like a baby bullock, sporadically screaming, ‘I pity the fool!’ I locked eyes with Earl Elderflower who softly crooned, ‘Faces and names, all one and the same?’

“‘What have you done to them and why warlock?’ I asked getting up off the ground for the third time in what was turning into a very trying and testing day.

“‘You helped us banish the leprechauns and for that, we are in your debt but why send Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul around the bend? Haven’t they suffered enough?’

“‘A warlock’s services are no small thing,” replied the Earl. ‘Just ask Black Sabbath! I have done your bidding and now you will do mine. This little dose of astroglamour.’ And with that he gestured fancifully to my two friends who were lost in a world of their own, ‘Is just a small demonstration of the power I have at my command.

“‘Having said that, this ridiculous pantomime can all end whenever you wish, but first you have to agree to my terms and I can tell you something for nothing, you won’t like it!’”

To be continued…..