AN Abergavenny man has made the bold claim that not only do aliens walk amongst us, but they have done since medieval times, and he also claims he will soon have hard evidence to back up his sensational allegations.

Semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip told the Chronicle that he stumbled across the existence of alien life forms by accident when he was on a ‘magical mystery tour’ to find the final resting place of the legendary King Arthur.

“A dead knight shared a vision with me in Llandovery where the Great Bear was buried and who put him there,” explained Turnip. “It was an eye-opener alright!.

“You see, contrary to popular belief, King Arthur wasn’t just fighting the Saxons, he was also battling visitors from other planets!

“Once he’d done putting the Germanic invaders in their place and he and the boys were celebrating their final victory at Mons Badonicus with a gallon of wine or two, creepy little grey aliens from outer space saw an opportunity to make a move.

"The sneaky bulbous headed, big-eyed freaks attacked when the knights were sleeping off their victory hangovers.”

Turnip added, “The extraterrestrial bastards were ruthless. It was absolute carnage. Over a half of Arthur’s forces were decimated by ray guns. The King’s swordsmen, archers, and big nutters with axes were no match for the tech boys from another planet! Especially since most of them were still half-cut from the night before.

“All this was revealed to me in a vision by the possessed statue of Llywelyn ap Gruffudd. But it gets worse!

“Arthur and what remained of his troops, only managed to escape because Merlin managed to turn them into bumblebees. They then flew as a collective swarm to the safety of the castle at Dunraven Bay where they turned back to men and prepared to make one last stand in the name of humanity!

“As the UFOs circled and the aliens unleashed their lasers, Arthur and the boys put on a brave show, but they were no match for the intergalactic colonists. During a last-pitched battle on the seafront, Arthur was the last man standing, but he also fell after being hit by a blue beam of pure light. Here’s where it gets weird!

“As a UFO hovered overhead and prepared to vaporise the King, Merlin appeared in the skies on a mighty dragon that roared and spat out a terrible flame straight at Arthur.

“The fire didn’t burn the great King but surrounded him and formed this kind of black stone which encased Arthur like a tomb. With Arthur’s body completely hidden from view, the great rock fell into the shallow waters of the sea, where it still stands to this day looking like any other rock to the uninitiated.”

Turnip added, “Before the vision faded, I heard Merlin scream, ‘The King will rise again in this isle’s darkest need, and Excalibur will lie with the Lady of the Lake.' At that moment, an image of Tredegar Reservoir flashed into my mind and I realised not only did I know where King Arthur lay, but where his sword had been dumped too.”

Turnip explained that after leading his ‘war party’ to Dunraven Bay and telling them the true nature of his vision over a supper of egg and chips and some sugary tea, his claims were met with skepticism.

“You mean King Arthur is buried in a big rock?” Said Puerto Rico Paul.

“How do you propose we get him out?” Asked Big Tony.

“It could be worse!” Said JFK Jones.

“How?” Said Fast Eddie.

“Let’s just wait until we see the sort of calibre of rock we’re dealing with before we make our play,” said Turnip.

Turnip told the Chronicle that after a few hours kip, he led them to the foot of King Arthur’s rock in dawn’s unforgiving light.

He later admitted, “As we grimly drunk lager from our cans looked at the waves crashing against the big black rock and imagined King Arthur’s corpse rotting away within, all hope of restoring the Once and future King to the throne faded fast.

“Big Tony suggested that we could potentially use dynamite to free the monarch, but I snapped, ‘Think of the human cost Tone! Besides which, we’d blow Arthur up along with the rock.’

“Puerto Rico Paul suggested we try using magic and even offered to contact his mum Paulie or the Witch of Tudor Street as she’s more commonly known, to see if she knew any spells or enchantments that could work.

"I just sighed, ‘This is high magic we’re dealing with here Paul. Merlin is perhaps the most famous magician of all time. Even bigger than David Blaine. No disrespect to your mother, but she made her name telling fortunes in a caravan. I don’t think she’s up for the job.’

“As we all just nodded our heads sagely and gazed intensely at the rock, swigging on our cans and getting wary looks from asserted day-trippers, I had an Eureka moment!

“‘It’s the sword in the stone!’ I shrieked.

“‘What is?’ Said Big Tony.

“’The recurring dream I have had since a youngster of me pulling a sword from the stone and everyone chanting the name Turnip’ over and over again. This is that stone!’ I said, jumping on the slippery rock and nearly losing my footing and cracking my head open.

“‘But there’s no sword in it,’ said a perplexed looking Puerto Rico Paul.

“‘Not yet there isn’t!’ I roared. ‘The legends have it all wrong. The sword needs to be thrust into the stone and then pulled out to liberate the Once and Future King. Excalibur works like a key and lucky for the world, the location of that key was revealed to me in a vision!’

“‘Where?’ The boys cried in unison like a tuneless and drunken choir of middle-age men washed up on a beach with no past or future, but a vague and barely conscious hope for a better world!

“‘Tredegar!’ I announced solemnly. ‘The birthplace of Bevan and the cradle of the NHS is also home to the Sword of Destiny!’”

Turnip explained that just at that moment, a raven landed on the rock in between waves and started crowing at them.

“We took it a sign that we were on the right track,” explained Turnip. "But it’s shrieking soon got annoying and so Puerto rico Paul threw an half-empty can of lager at it and it cleared off!

“‘Drink up boys!’ I shouted. We’re heading up top to find Excalibur and send the space boys home!’

“‘You can count on our steel my lord!’ Roared JFK Jones. Which didn’t go down well. There was something about JFK that had been getting under my skin off late, and it wasn’t just the ridiculous ski boot thing he had to wear because of his busted up ankle. His cheery bluster was hiding something sinister and vile.

“‘This isn’t some sort of big joke!' I snapped. ‘We’re on a real all or nothing quest here and your Game of Thrones nonsense isn’t welcome.’”

Turnip said that JFK looked suitably abashed but explained, “I’ll forever kick myself for not realising that we had a rat in the ranks earlier. Yet even if we had sniffed out JFK’s treachery before he put the knife in our backs, the true scale of his betrayal will always leave me breathless.”

To be continued….