AN Abergavenny man has made the claim that an alien life form threatened him and his friends in a remote beauty spot in South Wales.

Semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip revealed how he was on a special quest to find King Arthur’s legendary sword Excalibur when it happened.

Turnip explained that as soon as he managed to get his hands on the sword “men in beige suits who work for a shadowy puppet organisation” attempted to steal it.

“It was the same group of clowns that me, Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul had bumped up against in the past when we were trying to trap and tame a fairy," he said.

“They wanted to use us to gain access to the fairy realms so they could tap into that magic power and rule the world. Obviously, we weren’t having it and kicked seven shades of crap out of them. Trouble is, we had Big Tony in our crew then, and this time they had turned up mob-handed on electric bikes.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that Fast Eddie and himself had fished Excalibur out of Tredegar Reservoir with their magnetic fishing kit, but no sooner had they boated ashore on their inflatable kayak, when a group of men in beige suits, wearing sunglasses and riding electric bikes appeared out of the trees.

“As soon as I saw the electric bikes I knew there was going to be a conflict” explained Turnip. Puerto Rico Paul sneered, ‘You dickheads come here to fly a drone, have you? Or maybe forage for some wild garlic?’

“But their leader, who I recognised from before as a chump who called himself Mr. Citizen, simply chuckled and said, ‘Bonjour Portugal Pete, as much as we’d love to pass our time indulging in such pleasant pursuits we’re here for the sword of destiny. Now pass it over Parsnip.’

“‘Why don’t you come get it you slut!’ I roared.

In hindsight, it wasn’t the coolest thing to say but the adrenaline was making my neurones misfire badly.

“Licking his lips and going all pantomime on me, Mr. Citizen just mock whispered, ‘Oh baby! I Like it rough!’ Before yelling in a chirpy posh falsetto, ‘At them lads. Take no prisoners!’”

Turnip explained that as the men in beige advanced on their electric bikes like a “kind of really lame cavalry” he, Fast Eddie, and Puerto Rico Paul formed a defensive circle.

“We were going to protect Excalibur with our lives,” he explained. “There was no way these yuppies in badly cut suits were stealing my birthright and denying me my destiny.

“I cried for JFK Jones to stand fast, assuming he had our flank, but then I saw what I had long suspected, the soulless little toad had defected to the other side. He was sitting on the back of one of the men in beige’s bike looking all embarrassed.

“‘You there bitch now Jonesy?’ I snarled ‘What they offer you to turn Judas on your mates? Tickets to the Foo Fighters? You always had terrible taste in music, you clown!’

“As the men in beige surrounded us, the gutless little rat just looked at me all pathetic and whimpered, ‘I had no choice JT. They said they’d sanction my benefits if I didn’t contact them as soon as you found Excalibur!’

“Puerto Rico Paul just said softly in a weird Brummie accent, like he was Thomas Shelby in Peaky Blinders, ‘There’s always a choice Jonesy. Let’s hope you can live with yours!’”

Turnip added that to make matters worse, Mr. Citizen then said, “Don’t be too harsh on your mentally challenged friend Turnip. After all, it was not him I tricked into embarking on the quest to find King Arthur’s final resting place and Excalibur in the first place.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that it finally dawned on him that the stranger in the cemetery he thought had been the reincarnation of Sir Lancelot and who had tasked him with a mission to save humanity from itself had been Mr. Citizen all along!

“‘But why!’ I asked.

“‘Easy!’ He replied. ‘We had no hope of finding Excalibur because we would overthink it and the old gods didn’t want us to succeed.

"In an age defined by mob rule, cowardice, censorship, cancellation, and capitulation, you and your gang completely disregard the opinion and mockery of others and plough your own furrow. We needed that sort of rare pluck!

"As a bonus, you have all the self-belief of blind idiocy and you treat dumb chance almost as if it’s a religion. But thanks to Mr. Turncoat here’, and at this point, he patted that treacherous little weasel JFK Jones on the head, 'you monkeys did all the legwork and we’ll reap all the reward. After all, why bark when you’ve got a dog?’

“‘Because it’s fun and it winds people up!’ Said Fast Eddie hopefully.

"‘It’s a rhetorical question Ed’ I sighed.

“’Enough of this brain cell destroying banter’ shouted Mr Citizen. ‘Give me the sword. I’ll take it to Dunraven Bay,’ and here he passed dramatically for effect, ‘Before plunging it into old Arthur’s guts and ridding the world forever all of the once and future king. In his place we shall rule as an international community council for our name is legion and we are many.’

"He then started cackling and I swear I saw a weird green tint to his skin.”

Turnip added, “At this point, I realised that Mr. Citizen and the men in beige weren’t just badly dressed bureaucrats, they were beings from outer space who were centuries old. The exact same beings who had fought King Arthur and his knights at the Battle of Dunraven Bay had now come for me and the boys.

“Realising we were outnumbered and outgunned, I made the decision to tell Fast Eddie and Puerto Rico Paul to make a run for it, and I would make a last stand with Excalibur in hand.

“‘Leave me now brave knights’ I said solemnly. ‘This battle is mine and mine alone.’ Expecting them just to say, ’Nice one JT!’ Before having it away on their toes, I don’t mind admitting I felt a warm glow when Puerto Rico Paul said, “Forget about it bro! Seems a nice day to die as any other. Before cracking his knuckles and adding, ‘If I don’t run from Swansea Jacks I definitely don’t run from ET!’

“Fast Eddie just gave the men in beige his death stare and said, ‘My Chief told me to defend this run.’

“It was inspiring to hear Fast Eddie quote Bigwig’s classic line from Watership Down. The movie’s a firm favourite of me and all the boys. One time after a three-day bender we were convinced we’d all morphed into bunny rabbits from the film and began hopping around and quoting lines to one another. Great days!

“Anyhow. Mr Citizen took the bait, and said quizzically like General Woundwort in the film, ‘Your chief?’

"And that’s when it all kicked off big time!”

To be continued……