AN Abergavenny man on a self-appointed quest to find the burial place of the legendary King Arthur claims he was blessed with a vision that allowed him to “see things how they really are!”

“The veil has been lifted from my eyes,” explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip. “Pretty much everything we know about history is wrong. I can’t give too much away because it could jeopardise my ongoing quest. Needless to say, the truth is stranger than fiction. All I can say is once I wield Excalibur and awake the great bear, many historical injustices will be put right!”

After forming a “war party” made up of “contemporary knights” Turnip and his crew travelled to Llandovery in the hope of finding the once and future king’s final resting place.

“Apart from soul-crushing boredom, some hangovers from hell, and in JFK Jones’ case, a busted up ankle, Llandovery offered us nothing, apart from a vision that explained everything.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that he was visited by the soul of Llywelyn ap Gruffudd in the early hours. He alleges that the Welsh Prince showed him where King Arthur was buried and “the lake Excalibur had been dumped in.”

“I’ve never had a proper vision before but it was like watching a Netflix trailer,” explained Turnip. “It only lasted about two to three minutes but it changed me completely. I now see everything in a different light.”

Turnip added, “The trouble is, although talking to a dead prince who had come back as a statue was extremely trippy, I didn’t have time to enjoy the mellow afterglow of someone who has just pretty much travelled backward in time and seen the truth. I had to rally the troops. We had no time to waste! The corpse of King Arthur was in the Vale of Glamorgan, or to be more precise Dunraven Bay.

“The knights of the TV dinner tray, as we jokingly referred to ourselves, were going to the seaside to kick down a few castles of sand and change the course of history!”

Turnip explained that as they roared out of Llandovery in Big Tony’s Bedford Rascal, they all breathed a collective sigh of relief.

“It was like an immense weight had been lifted from our shoulders. Staying in Llandovery had been a trial by fire. After having survived three days and nights in that place, nothing could phase us. We were riders on the storm and the world was ours for the taking!”

Turnip revealed that as they cruised along, drinking beer and arguing if Tony Soprano could beat Vito Corleone in a fistfight, the mood soon turned sour.

“Puerto Rico Paul had one of his heads on,” explained Turnip. “He started going on about how there were hardly any fat kids in the 1980s compared with now. He argued that back then those who were overweight made up for it by being comedians and making us all laugh, instead of moaning and having panic attacks.”

Turnip added, “It would have been fair enough if Paul was making some sort of socioeconomic point but his real target was Big Tony.

“Even as a kid Big Tone had been big-boned, but in a sort of buff way. And although he’s always drunk and eaten enough for three men, he’s a grafter and sweats it out on site.

"However, like a lot of people, Big Tony got a little porky during lockdown and he hasn’t really managed to lose the timber.

“Comfort eating and Disney Plus ruined him. And although he’s never mentioned it, we know his ongoing weight struggles are a sore point and we respect that, but not Paul.

“Ignoring the strange and curiously vacant look in Tony’s eyes, he went off on one of those narky rants of his and began boasting that even though he’s got his snout permanently shoved in the Maccy D trough, it’s impossible for him to personally put on weight. ‘Unlike some!’ He sneered while looking pointedly at Big Tony.

“That was the final straw. Tone slammed on the brakes dragged Puerto Rico Paul out of the van, slapped him a few times, and threw him into a ditch on the side of the road.

“Never knowing when to shut up Paul just looked up from his prone position and lisped in a camp voice, ‘And all because the lady loves Milk Tray!’

“Roaring like a tormented bull, Big Tony thundered to the back of the van, threw open the doors, which woke Fast Eddie and JFK Jones up, grabbed his Jerry Can of petrol, marched back to Paul, and began to pour its contents all over him while bellowing, ‘I’ll burn you, you bastard!’

"Puerto Rico Paul was screaming at him defiantly, ‘Where’s your head at the fat boy! And I was attempting to wrestle the Jerry can out of his hand, but with his blood up Big Tony can be an unstoppable force of nature.

“As he threw the Jerry Can to the floor and reached for his lighter I feared the worse, but at that moment Fast Eddie leaped on his back and started gnawing at his ear determinedly like a ferocious rat. Thankfully, it did the trick and brought the big man to his senses.

“He roared like a wounded elephant as he fell to his knees and started sobbing. At the same time, Puerto Rico Paul pulled himself up, looked at Big Tony dismissively, and went to light a fag!

“’ No you tool!’ I cried. ‘You’re covered in petrol!’

“Paul threw the lighter and fag to the ground, and muttered, ‘For Christ’s sake! It was only a joke!’ And jumped back in the van to sulk.

“Meanwhile, I approached Big Tony cautiously as Fast Eddie held the big man’s hand and softly sang ‘Don’t Look Back In Anger’ to him.

“‘What the hell’s happening to me? I was going to burn Paul alive?’ Cried Big Tony as I came near.

“‘Don’t beat yourself up about it Tone,’ I said. ‘There are sinister forces at work that seek to divide us. You were not in your right mind and probably being controlled by a higher power when you tried to cremate Paul.’

“This seemed to satisfy him. As we all jumped back in the van, he hugged Puerto Rico Paul, and the two of them made up over a flagon of fortified cider. It would take more than weight issues and demonic possession to divide those two!

“As Big Tony drove, Sir Lancelot’s stark warning to me at the beginning of the quest rang in my ears, ‘Some will fall in battle, some will betray your cause, and others will lose their minds to the terror that lies beyond worlds.’

“I sat silently in the van and tried hard not to blame Paul for being covered in petrol and stopping us all from sparking up. We all really needed a fag. To compensate Big Tony put David Bowie’ Life on Mars’ on the car stereo.

“As I listened to the thin white duke singing about ‘America’s tortured brow’ I reflected grimly on my vision and wondered how I could tell the boys that before this quest was over we’d not only have to do battle with the enemy within but beings from another planet as well.”

To be continued……