Traditionally, if there’s one day of the year when even the most reserved soul is going to party like it’s the last night on Earth it’s New Year’s Eve.

Yet one Abergavenny man has bodily claimed he didn’t just get into a “right state” on December 31, he actually entered another dimension and stayed there into the early hours of January 1.

Semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip told the Chronicle, “There are things known and things unknown and in between are the doors! I think it was Jim Morrison who said that, and on New Year’s Eve, me and the boys found out exactly what the old hippy was talking about.

“We didn’t so much as break on through to the other side, we smashed the doors and ended up in another dimension that would have stolen the minds of lesser men. "Thankfully, Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul are pretty bulletproof when it comes to our grip on what’s real and what’s not. A lot of it probably stems from growing up in the 1970s and '80s and watching things like that Japanese TV show ‘Monkey’ and that program about the fat lazy cat ‘Bagpuss.’

“A child’s brain is like a sponge and when you’re sat in front of the TV, drinking soda streams and eating burgers from a can whilst watching crazy surreal drama like that it makes you pretty resilient and accepting of how flimsy reality can be.”

Turnip was quick to stress that they found the portal to another dimension not through “illegal substances or medication” but in a haunted house in Powys that a wise warlock named Earl Elderflower had forced them to stay in.

“The Earl was using us as bait to draw out an ancient nature spirit that’s beyond good and evil and capable of swallowing a man’s soul.

“Apparently this entity was older than time itself but it had been trapped in the four walls of the haunted house for centuries after a wizard named Steve had constrained it with a spell of binding. Steve had later drowned in a duck pond whilst crazy drunk on Absinthe but his magic was strong and had remained.”

Turnip added, “Apparently the ancient nature spirit was at its most active on December 31 and it was an ideal time for the Earl to try and trap it, harness its energy, and use it to make rabbits talk or whatever warlocks go in for these days.

“It was pretty heavy stuff, but me and the boys have all been involved in some pretty serious capers in our time and we weren’t phased any.

“The bigger problem wasn’t the supernatural but the fact that Cherry Tree Cottage, which is the name of the haunted house, was in Powys, and the Earl wanted us to spend New Year’s Eve there.

“Like most right-minded people, Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul have a natural aversion toward Powys. It’s a dark and gloomy hole that can do strange things to a man’s sensibilities.

“I spent years there in a cave during the pandemic and it nearly destroyed me. I even ended up naming my Nike Airs Ronnie and Reggie before eating them. That’s how bad things got. The last thing any of us wanted was to spend New Year’s Eve there. The haunted house bit would be a giggle but knowing we were trapped in that godless county was almost too much to bear.

“Yet Elderflower had us over a barrel. If we didn’t do his bidding he threatened to destroy my friend’s minds and condemn them into living the rest of their days believing they were two minor celebrities from the 1980s

“Simon LeBon and B.A. Baracus had no place either in the new millennium or my friend’s heads, and I was damned if the warlock was going to shatter their sanity with his silly spells.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul refused to discuss spending New Year’s Eve in Powys during Christmas and just wanted to concentrate on getting bladdered.

“Like we usually do during the festive season, we spent every waking hour in the pub,” explained Turnip, who added, “The Powys question was always at the back of my mind but I refused to let it sour the mood and just took ‘I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it’ approach to things.”

Turnip recalled that he was relieving himself on the seventh day of their Xmas bender in the gent’s urinals of Wetherspoons when he was accosted by an elderly gentleman in a burgundy suit and a fedora hat.

“I knew straight away this rum old fruit was the warlock." He said. "As he winked at me I remembered his words from our last meeting on the Skirrid, ‘Look to my coming at nightfall on the seventh day. At dusk, look to the West.’ In hindsight it was just a fancy way of saying I’ll see you in the bogs on Monday evening.”

Turnip added, “As we locked eyes in a kind of resentful admiration and stalked one another menacingly in the urinals like two alley cats who have been living the street life for too long, the Earl hissed, ‘You know why I’m there Turnip. It is time.’

“‘Time is of little consequence to me, wizard! I said, just to rattle his cage.

“‘Where are your two sidekicks?’ He asked grinning cryptically.

“‘They’re around!’

“‘Then let us make tracks. Powys awaits!’ He said with a sneer. I have a man in a Bentley waiting outside to take us to your holiday home.”

Turnip explained, “As we returned to the pub, I tried to warn the Earl that Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul would need a little bit of sweet talking before they got in any car that would take them to Powys.

“He simply replied, ‘Nonsense. They are already in the car.’

“‘How the hell did you manage that? I asked. ‘You haven’t got them thinking they’re Simon LeBon and B.A. Baracus again have you?’

“The Earl just chuckled like a nasty old duck and said, ‘No! This time they think they’re Crockett and Tubbs from Miami Vice on their way to a multimillion-dollar drug bust. They think the Bentley is a speedboat and couldn’t wait to jump in. The fat one in particular appears very animated. He keeps shouting in a farcical American accent about kicking some serious ass!’

“‘What fresh hell is this’ I sighed as I followed the warlock to the car. Little did I know my concept of hell was soon to be redefined in a big way!

To be continued……