FOR centuries, stories of half-fish, half-female creatures splashing about in the sea have haunted sailors and captured the imaginations of children everywhere. Yet much like, fairies, vampires, and aliens, no one has been able to prove mermaids exist, until perhaps, now!

Semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip has made the audacious claim that not only will he prove mermaids are real, but he intends to capture one and make it cry in a bid to save Mother Earth from an extinction-level event.

“It all began at this year’s Green Man Festival when I experienced an out-of-body experience and took a trip to the astral realms,” explained Turnip.

“It was the strangest thing. One minute I was sitting drinking with the boys and the next minute my mind was yanked like a disobedient dog on a chain into another dimension.

“It was like traveling at great speed through a psychedelic tunnel and to be honest it reminded me a lot of the intro to a TV show I used to watch when I was a kid called ‘’Jamie and the Magic Torch.’

“After what seemed like an eternity but in hindsight was probably only a few seconds I found myself suddenly walking on a beach under a night sky that was absolutely loaded with stars of all shapes and colours.

"It was a bit like that painting by Van Gogh but more psychedelic. He wouldn’t have cut his ear off if he could have seen what I saw I can tell you.”

Turnip added, “After wandering alone for a bit and thinking about going for a skinny dip in the water because I was getting a bit bored things began to get a little weird when I saw Elsa from ‘Frozen’ walking towards me. She was grinning a bit too manic for my liking and singing ‘Let It Go.’

“However, when she was about six feet away Elsa turned into Mary Poppins who in turn began singing a “Spoonful of Sugar.’ She came closer and closer until at the last minute she turned into the White Witch from Narnia, got right in my face, and asked, ‘Fancy a Turkish Delight Turnip?’

“‘Keep your truffles for lesser men and tell me who the hell you are woman!’ I snarled.

“‘Woman!’ She exclaimed with an amused look on her face, the features of which kept changing between the three Hollywood witches!

“‘I am no mere woman. I am Gaia, the Triple Goddess who is the Maiden, Mother, and Crone. Your lack of respect amuses me little root vegetable.’

“‘Laugh it up, lady!’ I said, ‘But I’m a busy man. So tell me what you want and I’ll be on my way. And if it involves putting up a shelf you can do one!’”

Turnip added, “At this point, she began laughing softly and said, ‘Oh Turnip! how ridiculous you and your kind are, but like all men you have your uses, and as it happens I am in need of one touched by the hand of fate and blessed with dumb luck.’

“For some reason when she said this I was compelled to get on one knee, take her hand, and say, ‘My Lady. I live to serve.’ And at that moment I can honestly say I would have laid down my life for her. Which is weird because I’ve always been a treat them mean, keep them keen kind of fella!’”

Turnip told the Chronicle, “This mysterious woman asked me to walk with her and went on to explain that the reason she had summoned me to the astral realms was because the caretaker of Mother Earth, who she called her ‘Green Man’ had got a bit lazy in recent centuries and wasn’t taking care of business the way he should.’

“She explained, ‘Old Herne used to be a reliable sort. He’d make sure the rivers ran clean, the air remained pure, the forests flourished and all life was acknowledged as sacred.

"'He also ensured that all those who knew the land as their mother respected her boundaries and conditions. Yet over time, I’m afraid he became somewhat disillusioned and a little lazy. That and his supply of mermaid tears ran out over a century ago.’

“‘Mermaid tears!’ I said. ‘What sort of freak drinks that!’

“‘My Lady just chuckled and replied, ‘For time out of mind adventurers, philosophers, pirates, and poets would seek the tears of a mermaid, bottle them, and leave them as a tribute in one of the Green Man’s many shrines. You know, at the foot of a tree or something like that.

“‘When Herne drinks that rarest of beverage it energises him and he really performs above and beyond the call of duty.

"'Sadly, his cellar has long since run dry and now he’s gone into withdrawal and just stomps around the place all lethargic and moody.

“‘The bottom line is for me to thrive, I need him firing on all cylinders and the only way we can do that is to capture a mermaid and make her cry.

“‘Obviously, one such as I could not commit an act so coarse and vulgar. I shudder at the very thought. But you and your pals have no such reservations about getting your hands dirty in pursuit of the supernatural!”

“After thanking My Lady for the compliment I asked, ‘What would you have us do?’

“‘Why Turnip isn’t it obvious. You must catch a mermaid, bottle her tears, and save Mother Earth.’

“‘Yes!’ I roared. ‘I will succeed where Greta and Just Stop Oil failed. Defacing works of art and lying in roads will amount to nothing in the long run, but hunting mermaids, well, that’s a different story.’

“'Send me back to my dimension My Lady and I will do your bidding!’ I urged.

“Chuckling mischievously and doing a little curtsey that she started as Elsa but finished as Mary Poppins, My Lady waved a wand and my consciousness slammed back into my cranium like a freight train.

“Before you could say ‘What a trip!’ I was back sitting on the grass bank at the Green Man Festival and I don’t think Puerto Rico Paul or Big Tony had noticed I had been gone. They were too busy arguing about the ending of The Sopranos.

“It took me a few seconds to get my head screwed back on properly before I could say, ‘So, did you notice anything different about me in the last ten minutes lads?’

“‘Yeah!’ Said Big Tony. ‘Your eyes rolled into the back of your head and you started singing ‘Let It Go!’ Over and over for about ten minutes. We just put it down to the drugs but you look alright now.’

“‘Thanks for your concern chaps!” I sighed. ‘Anyhow, my mental state is not important. Saving Mother Earth is!’

“‘I feel a caper coming on!’ Said Puerto Rico Paul somewhat wearily.

“‘How right you are Paul!’ I barked. ‘But this time there’s a lot at stake. We need to catch a mermaid and make her cry.’

“‘How do you catch a mermaid, let alone make her cry?’ Asked Big Tony with a noted lack of enthusiasm.

“‘Same way as you do all females’ said Paul. ‘Tell her she smells of fish!’

“At Paul’s quip, we all laughed like a gang of immature scallywags before I had to step into the uncomfortable shoes of the boring wokester and warn, ‘A lot is riding on this quest boys. So let's cut the jokes out, drink up and get going.’

“We’ve only just got there!” Moaned Paul. “Can’t we at least stay to watch The Jesus and Mary Chain?’

“‘Ok!” I agreed. ‘For the sake of the 1980s, we’ll have one last blowout tonight and then in the morning, or more like the afternoon, we’ll go West, find ourselves a mermaid, bottle her tears, and restore balance to the world!’”

To be continued....