AN Abergavenny man has boldly claimed that he can talk to dolphins and said he has enjoyed long and detailed conversations with the bottlenose mammals.

It’s an established fact that dolphins can communicate with one another through a series of squeaks, whistles, clicks, and squeaks. However, no human has been able to talk dolphin before, until now!

Semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip claims he began conversing with the playful sea creatures, and became Monmouthshire’s version of Dr. Doolittle, when hunting for mermaids in the stretch of water between Tenby and Caldey Island.

Turnip explained, “It’s a talent I didn't know about. Like Einstein, I didn’t speak a word until I was three years old but after that, you couldn’t shut me up! Although I’m fluent in both English and geezer, I didn’t think I could speak dolphin.”

Turnip added, “It’s the strangest thing, but I’ve always been a great communicator and have the sort of mind that can transcend any limitation or reality, so in hindsight it’s no real surprise.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that following naughty Nell of the pond’s advice to sail out to sea and woo a mermaid with song, he set off with Puerto Rico Paul and Big Tony in their inflatable kayaks for a supernatural fishing expedition.

“Naughty Nell told us the best place to find a mermaid in the wake of their systematic slaughter by the leprechauns was in the holy waters surrounding Caldey Island,” explained Turnip.

“Ideally, we needed the sort of boat like they had in Jaws so we could harpoon a mermaid with a sedative and reel her in with a net, but Nell said the only realistic way to capture one of these rare and mythical beasts was to seduce her with a song and knock her out when she wasn’t looking.”

Turnip added, “We didn’t want to hurt any mermaids but the Triple Goddess had given us orders to make one cry so we could use the tears to reawaken the Green Man. In a sense, we were just pawns in a greater game, but there was a lot of stake so we couldn’t mess up.”

Turnip explained that after paddling less than halfway to Caldey in their inflatables the trio soon tired and were soon regretting their choice of boat.

“Kayaking on the Brecon and Mon Canal is a bit different from splashing about at sea. We were getting tossed around a bit by the tides and Big Tony was getting a bit green around the gills,” said Turnip.

“He shouted at Paul, ‘If you’re going to sing a bloody song, do it now, and let’s get back to land. This is as close to Caldey as we’ll get in these rubber bloody boats!’”

Turnip explained, “As we bobbed about on the waves like driftwood, we paddled as close to one another as possible and held hands to stay stable. Paul was wearing his ‘Guy Fawkes come back! Your country needs you!” T-shirt, so I could sense he was in one of his edgy moods, but as he closed his eyes and began a rendition of ‘Ordinary World’ by Duran Duran, it brought a tear to our eyes.

“Pound for pound he’s the best Simon LeBon tribute act by a country mile and that’s no lie.

“Still, by the time he had finished, there was no sign of any mermaids. He tried a few more Duran Duran songs but to no avail. Big Tony suggested that because we were in Wales maybe he should try some Welsh songs.

“In the voice of Simon LeBon he did ‘Tramp’s Vest’ by The Stereophonics, ‘Something 4 The Weekend’ by The Super Furries, and even ‘Faster’ by The Manics, and although we saw a few disinterested jellyfish and an empty can of coke float by, we’re weren’t getting any mermaid action!

“I gently suggested that because we were sort of in the Irish Sea he should maybe try an Irish song or two. ‘A Bottle of Smoke’ by The Pogues didn’t do anything except make us all feel like murdering a pint or ten, but when he did Dexys' version of ‘Curragh Of Kildare’ that’s when we saw the dolphins.”

Turnip explained that as Puerto Rico Paul sang, three dolphins in succession leaped from the water and over their boats. They then began swimming around the kayaks and nudging them playfully.

“It was one of those rare moments where we were all lost for words and could only marvel at the sheer wonder of it all,” he said.

“We hadn’t managed to capture any mermaids but we had connected with another species on a core level. They were like big fish but they were also like us.

“As I wondered idly what dolphin would taste like out of a tin, the chief fish looked directly at me with its weird beady little eyes and leering grin, and said in a voice that only I could hear and one that sounded like it had been sucking on a helium balloon, ‘Hello old friend. Listen now, don’t speak. I know a talking dolphin may be strange, but you are not going crazy, you are simply extremely gifted and have a great quest to fulfil.

“’My name is Shandy Shimmer and these are my friends, Fat Fred and Las Vegas Lenny. If you wish to woo a mermaid your vocally talented friend is singing the wrong songs. Go now to St. Catherine’s Fort and find the two brothers who can sing a sea shanty no mermaid can resist. I can speak no more on this. Now grab my fin, and tell your friends to do likewise. We will take you back to shore.’”

Turnip explained that after urging his dumbstruck friends to grab hold of a dolphin fin each, their inflatables turned into power boats as they were pulled to the shallows.

“It was a massive thrill!” Explained Turnip. “Along the way, I also managed to have quite a revealing conversation with Shandy Shimmer about this history of Wales and his deep hatred of leprechauns. To Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul, it must have looked like I was talking to myself but they’re used to that.

“Anyhow, once we said farewell to the fish, we headed straight to St. Catherine’s Fort, and boy oh boy, were we in for a shock!”

To be continued.....