AN Abergavenny man who set sail to Caldey Island in search of John Lennon’s lost guitar has claimed he has been places and done things that no other sailor in history has.

“I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty and get stuck in when the situation warrants,” explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip. “And when you’re looking for a lost Beatles' guitar because it’s the only thing that can summon a mermaid, you’ve got to be prepared for things getting a little frayed around the edges.”

After meeting two musical Mancunian brothers in Tenby who agreed to sing for their supper, or at least a mermaid, if Turnip would help them find Lennon’s lost guitar, the game was on, and the war party set sail for the holy island in search of a lost relic.

“To be fair, Brother Noah and LG didn’t mess around when it came to hiring a boat,” Turnip told the Chronicle. “It was this lovely RIB thing named ‘Morning Glory’ that Brother Noah insisted on captaining. After a few pints in the pub to get us in the mood we clambered aboard as uglier and more seasoned sea dogs in the rundown harbour just looked at with jealousy and shook their heads.”

Turnip added, “We were all stood up excitedly on the boat necking cans and arguing about what songs to put on the Bluetooth speaker thing, when without warning Noah snuck into the cockpit and let rip, causing us all to fall flat on our backs.

“It was bad news for Puerto Rico Paul though, because the sudden jerk caused him to go overboard. Thankfully Big Tony managed to grab his ankles and sort of dragged him along like a water skier but without the skis or skill.

“The trouble is we were going at a fair old whack and as Paul was being dragged he was struggling to keep his head up. He was having it all ways and it wasn’t good.

“Meanwhile, LG wasn’t a happy camper. He had ripped his top off, stormed to the back of the boat, and began repeatedly slapping Brother Noah around the face with the closest weapon he could find, which in this case was a dead fish that someone had left in a bucket.

“As LG was battering Noah with the fish he began roaring, ‘Second fiddle all the time with you our kid. I’m standing on the shoulders of giants me, and you’re just a saxophone-loving pygmy!’

“His brother couldn’t defend himself because he was too busy trying to steer the boat which was a bit out of control and bouncing uncontrollably about on the waves.

“Big Tony bellowed, ‘For Christ’s sake. Stop the boat you Manc morons, you’re killing Paul!’

"Tony’s bullish demands seed to cut through their squabbling sibling rivalry and as LG put down the fish, Noah eased up on the throttle and we managed to pull Paul to safety.”

Turnip explained, “‘As Paul was thrashing and flapping about in the boat like a weird catch we’d just reeled in, LG shocked us all by attempting to urinate on our friend as he lay there prone and delirious.

“’What the hell you playing at!’ Screamed Big Tony.

“‘The cold runs deep in this sailor’s bones. We gotta warm him up rastas!’

“‘By taking a leak on him?’ Asked a murderous Tone.

“’Lg replied, ‘An old sailor’s trick. I knew a deep-sea fisherman who’d pee all over his hands just to get him through the night. Biblical’

“‘Well you can put that thing away!’ Roared Tony while pointing at LG’s groin. There’s a dry robe in his bag that his mum packed for him. That’ll do the job just as well.’

“As we stripped a shivering Paul and put him in the leopard print dry robe, Big Tony nursed him back to consciousness by delicately holding a whiskey bottle to Paul’s lips. "As he gently suckled at it like a newborn baby the colour slowly began to return to his cheeks.

“‘How you feeling Paul?’ I asked. ‘That was a near thing. You had us worried.’

“Paul just eyed us all with what looked like an all-consuming hatred, before turning away and sighing, ‘La tristesse durera toujours’

“‘What’s up with him?’ Snapped Brother Noah. ‘Why’s he waffling on about Manics’ songs?’

“It’s not a Manics song you basin-headed philistine!’ Roared Paul. ‘It’s the last words van Gogh said before he died. It means, ‘The sadness will last forever.’

“‘Steady on!’ Growled Big Tony, while slapping Paul on the back in what he probably thought was a hearty manner, but to to others looked like an open and shut case of GBH. ‘We’ll have none of that defeatist type talk here. Let’s leave that sort of nonsense to the millennials and their avocados. We’re better than that. This isn’t social media, this is real life boyo! We don’t have the luxury of whining like self-obsessed ponces. It’s time to level up bud, there’s work to be done.’

“As always, Tony’s little pep talk worked wonders. Without dropping a beat, Paul nodded with gratitude at his old mate, strutted to the front of the boat, and put the nut on Brother Noah.

“As Noah rolled about on the deck, desperately to stop his burst nose from bleeding, Paul said, ’That’s for the dick head move that nearly killed me. You ain't no bus driver and I ain't no old lady. So behave!’

“Noah mumbled what seemed like, ‘Fair enough you psycho taffy bastards!’ But we let it go. As much as I liked Mancuinans they could be a coarse and unruly sort. It was time to bring the civilising influence of Welsh discipline to proceedings.

“As Big Tony eased himself into the driver’s seat on the boat we had a new Captain. There had been a timely mutiny on the good ship ‘Morning Glory’ and from now on we would run this show like a well-oiled male-voice choir.

“For someone whose brother had just been decked, LG looked decidedly chipper. He was bouncing about like a hyperactive toddler and barking, ‘Set the controls for the heart of the sun! Destiny awaits and things are going to get biblical!’

“Getting into the spirit of things, Big Tony barked, ‘Ahoy, me hearties. All hands on deck. JT, drop the sails. Puerto Rico Paul, secure the rum. Brother Noah hold fast. LG, avast! Bring me a new horizon boys, because things are going to get choppy.’”

To be continued…..