Much like the Holy Grail, the legendary sword Excalibur has been sought after for centuries by philosophers, poets, politicians, historians, the hapless, and the lost. However, an Abergavenny man claims he now wields what legions of adventurers and explorers have all sought in vain - the sword of power!

“It’s a bit of a trip to think my hands have fondled the same piece of steel as King Arthur, but you can’t cheat destiny!” Explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

“In hindsight, I can now see that when I lost myself to a twilight world of substance abuse and bizarre sleeping patterns in my twenties I was simply in denial of my own greatness.

“I always knew in my bones that fate had earmarked me for something historical and earth-shattering, but I had no idea it was to stand by King Arthur’s side and rule the world.

“For years I tried to run from who I was and what I was supposed to be. I got good at it as well. Before becoming a paranormal investigator I was a semi-professional long-distance runner. But the running stops here. I’ve finally embraced who and what I am.

"Since Arthur’s demise, the extraterrestrials have secretly governed this planet with a dark intent. Once I awake the great bear by driving Excalibur into the great rock where he sleeps, it’ll be time for ET to go home and stay there!”

Turnip told the Chronicle that after having a vision that revealed Excalibur was rusting away at the bottom of a reservoir in Tredegar, he and the boys jumped in Big Tony’s ‘battle bus’ and headed up top to find the once and future king’s fabled weapon.

“The only trouble was, when we got there, we had no idea of how to retrieve Excalibur from the depths,” explained Turnip. “None of us had any diving gear and even if we did, no one was willing to take the plunge. We’d all grown up with a bit of a phobia of the water thanks to films like Jaws.”

Turnip added, “In my heart, I had high hopes that a lady’s hand would reach out of the reservoir holding the sword aloft as it did in that dodgy eighties film ‘Excalibur’. You know, the one with the fruity guy playing Merlin and a village idiot-looking dude playing the young Arthur.

“Anyhow, after sitting on the banks for hours and sharing some flagons of cider, nothing much happened and you could see Big Tony was getting more twitchy with each passing second.

“He eventually stood up abruptly and said, ‘Sod this for a game of soldiers. I’ve wasted enough time on this wild goose chase. I’m off!’

“‘Hang on a sec Tony,’ I said. ‘You’re one of my sworn knights. You took an oath. You can’t leave without being dismissed!’

“He just sort of looked me up and down like I was a halfwit and said, ‘Knight! Oath! Excalibur! Listen to yourself JT. You’ve lost the plot. I only came along for the crack and free beer. All this dungeons and dragon nonsense is getting embarrassing now. I know you, Puerto Rico Paul and the others like to live in some weird drug-addled fantasy realm but it’s a luxury I can’t afford. We’re not all on UC! I’m due on site tomorrow or I’ll lose my job.’

“‘Tony!’ I cried as he stropped back to the van. You’ll have riches beyond labour when I’m crowned the second king in command. This is the alien mind control talking not you. Stay awhile and share this bottle of gin with me and you’ll see things differently,’ I implored.

“It was no good. Tone was adamant, and as I watched him head back to the relative normality of the metaphorical rocking chair that is old mother Aber, I saw Fast Eddie jump in front of his Bedford Rascal and holler, ‘Take me back to Aber with you to pick up some supplies Tone. I’ve got an idea on how we can retrieve Excalibur!

“I looked at Fast Eddie curiously and wondered what the little pygmy had up his sleeve. But with Tone gone we needed some wheels and although it would be a squeeze Fast Eddie’s mini was capable of transporting us all.”

Turnip added, “As Big Tony wheel spinned off without so much as giving me a friendly two-fingered salute, I felt a genuine sense of betrayal. The big loaf would live to regret his indiscipline when I ushered in a new world order!

“As I gazed around at the remaining knights in my war party, I saw Puerto Rico Paul was sleeping off the effects of the cider and JFK Jones was limping around annoyingly in his broken ankle boot and furiously texting someone on his phone.

“When the devious little tart saw me monitoring him like a hawk he had the good grace to look embarrassed. I just continued to stare at him and said cryptically, ‘Only those you trust can betray you.’ I could tell by his body language and dumb look on his face he knew what I was getting at. He was up to something fishy and before this quest was over I’d find out.”

Turnip explained that when Fast Eddie returned he shared a plan to retrieve Excalibur that might just prove feasible.

“Eddie’s called ‘Fast’ for a reason,” explained Turnip. “He’s quick on his feet and a fast thinker. He brought with him a two-man inflatable kayak and one of those magnetic fishing kits. The plan was, that me and him would paddle out to the middle of the reservoir drop the huge magnet on the fishing line overboard, and hopefully sooner or later it would find Excalibur.

"It was a long shot but it was all we had!”

Turnip revealed that after being on the water for three hours and catching nothing but beer cans, a shopping trolley, an old scooter and an air gun, they were just about to call it a day when, a cloud passed the sun, and an eerie silence fell.

Turnip explained, “It’s difficult to put into worlds, but you could tell from the change in atmosphere something big was about to happen. We pulled up the magnet one last time and on the end of the line was a huge sword, I’d like to say, ‘the likes of which you’ve never seen’, but it was covered in rust and in a bit of way. It looked a bit like those Samurai swords that were big in the 1990s but one that had been left to rot for a couple of decades.

"However, if I didn’t already know in my heart of hearts it was Excalibur, what happened next confirmed it.”

To be continued……