AN Abergavenny man who claims he saved the world while no-one was watching, insists he doesn’t want acclaim for his “boss moves” but would like everyone to know how close they all came to an extinction-level event on his watch.

“I’m like that fat, ugly hobbit in ‘Lord of the Rings’ who’s always getting Frodo out of trouble but who always gets treated like his less cool mate at the elf parties,” explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

“That doesn’t bother me any, because I’ve always chose to fly under the radar. I’m like a stealth bomber. It’s how I roll. But after me and the boys narrowly averted a leprechaun apocalypse I think it’s only right that the people know how close we came to being dragged into an abyss of no return.”

Turnip explained that after returning from Pembrokeshire with a plastic bottle of sea water he kept referring to as ‘mermaids’ tears,’ he headed straight to the top of the Skirrid in search of a “magic man” who would know what to do next.

“We had heard of this peculiar bloke called Earl Elderflower who used to do Tarot card readings for all the bored Monmouthshire housewives back in the day,” explained Turnip. “Apparently he was also Black Sabbath’s go-to warlock when they stayed in Abergavenny in the 1970s. So if anyone could help us this old queer fish was our man.”

Turnip added, “On the way home in the Bedford Rascal, Puerto Rico Paul phoned his mum, who was a witch, to see if she knew anything about this Elderflower character.

“According to Paul’s mum, as well as reading fortunes, back in the day the Earl was also partial to summoning up a demonic entity or two for his own amusement. Paul put the witch on speakerphone and she barked, ‘Listen you useless gang of cretins, the Earl is no meathead. He’s cut from a different cloth from you clowns. He doesn’t just dabble in the dark arts, he’s a recognised master. Cross him at your peril.’

“‘We don’t want to cross him’, said Paul. ‘We need his help in stopping the leprechauns.’

“‘What are you doing getting mixed up with those little bastards for?’ The witch demanded. ‘Those alcoholic bruisers will lead you all on a merry jig straight to hell.’

“‘They’re trying to kill the last living mermaid and take over the planet,’ cried Paul, whose lack of sleep was making him unstable. ‘Elderflower is our last chance to protect the planet with sorcery.’

“There was a stony silence on the other end of the line for what seemed like an eternity and then the witch crooned, ‘Once you’ve captured the eye of the leprechauns you’ll no peace until you banish them to their own realm.

“‘Where’s that?’ Said Big Tony. ‘Dublin?’

“‘No you idiot!’ Crooned the witch. ‘They live in a land where all rainbows end and nothing good ever grows.’

“‘Swansea?’ Said Big Tony hopefully.

“Ignoring Tone’s slanderous suggestions, the witch advised, ‘Take the mermaid tears to the top of the Skirrid, sprinkle them liberally, and ask the Earl to cast the spell of banishment and just maybe that’ll be enough to send them home to Leper Land.

“‘How can we find the Earl’ Asked Paul.

“‘Oh he’s always wandering the hills in the Autumn looking for late blooming mushrooms,’ explained the witch. ‘His spider senses will tell him you’re looking for him, and he’ll find you.’”

“And sure enough that’s what happened,” explained Turnip.

“We were sat on top of the Skirrid necking lager, idly watching some stray paragliders and wondering what would happen if a bird attacked them in mid-flight, when all of a sudden a cloud passed the sun and a voice a bit like Ian McKellen’s version of Gandalf, but with more whiskey and fags in it, bellowed from behind us, ‘The stars align, the shadows fall, and three friends are summoned to stand tall.’

“We turned our heads collectively, expecting to see a bearded wizard in a hat and robe, but what we got was something else.

“It was an insanely tall fella, in a very expensive looking pin-stripe suit and immaculately polished shoes. He had slicked-back silver hair and brown leathery skin that looked like it had been left out in the sun for too long. But overall, he gave the impression of wealth, taste, and just the slight odour of something possibly Satanic.

“‘Come the hour, come the men, the clock it ticks, and leprechauns must end.’

“‘Yes!’ I roared. ‘You’re Earl Elderflower and we need your help to save the world.

“He replied, ‘Bring the tears, alleviate the fears, let’s cast the spell before they poison the well.’”

Turnip explained, “With that, we followed him to the trig point where a couple of Australians were taking a selfie with one of those stick things. Big Tony snarled, ‘Beat it dickheads. We’re here to do high magic!’

“As they started trying to film us and uttering something about us being on Facebook live, the Earl let out an inhuman roar that was enough to send them scrambling back down the hillside like they were being chased by kangaroos with Uzis.

“As Elderflower spread his arms wide like an avenging angel, we instinctively knelt in his shadow, bowed our heads and I offered him up the plastic bottle full of mermaid tears. He snatched it greedily and then to our shock proceeded to drink it before winking at us.

“I could sense Big Tony preparing to launch himself from his kneeling position into a flying headbutt move he had perfected on nights out in Newport, but before he could teach the old slick git who was really the boss here, Elderflower fell to his knees and began to puke.

“And I swear his vomit began to take on all the colours of a rainbow as it began to form a perfect circle upon the ground. Once this was complete, Elderflower pulled himself up to his full impressive height and roared, ‘Height-ho, heigh-ho, it’s off to hell we go!’”

Turnip told the Chronicle, “It’s difficult to recall what happened next, but it seemed as if that rainbow circle became a hole, and we all watched as thousands of leprechauns came streaming from the surrounding hills and began jumping in it with tears in their eyes.

“But that could just be my imagination because it had been a crazy couple of months.

“However, I’m sure as the last one reluctantly jumped in, he looked at me directly and softly said, ‘Turnip you bastard! We’ll get you for this.’

“And as the Earl put his foot on the leprechaun's head and pushed him under I finally passed out and had another vision.”

To be continued…..