AN Abergavenny man who claims he had an out-of-body experience at the Green Man Festival told the Chronicle he is now “burdened with the sort of forbidden knowledge no mortal should have to bear!”

“I’m not one to whinge!” Explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip, “But when you’ve been ordered by the Triple Goddess to hunt down a mermaid and make her cry just so the Green Man can drink her tears and take proper care of the planet again, well, it’s a heavy burden to bear.

“Not only do I know things no mere mortal should but the gods have compelled me to do things that would make bloody Jason and the Argonauts weep.”

Turnip claims that after an out-of-body experience at this year’s Green Man Festival, he conversed with an ancient pagan deity who told him that only he alone could save the planet from an extinction-level event.

Realising that the fate of the planet was in his hands and he had no time to waste, Turnip quickly called an emergency war council.

He told the Chronicle, “After discussing the latest developments with Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul we all agreed to have a drink, watch The Jesus and Mary Chain’s set, and sleep on it before we went mermaid hunting.”

Turnip added, “Looking back we should have left the festival straight away, but Big Tony got so excited at the thought of playing pirates and chasing mythical sea beasts that he overdid it on the fortified cider and started walking around the place screaming, ‘Call me Ishmael’ to random passers-by before collapsing in a puddle of his own urine.

It was a tragic sight made even worse by the fact that Tone had come to the Green Man dressed as the Incredible Hulk.

“I remember Paul lighting a fag and gently kicking the prostrate bulk of Tone in disgust before snarling, ‘Call yourself an Avenger! You wouldn’t even make the Teen Titans pal!’

“Anyhow, we managed to find a tent without any people in it, and after dragging Tone in to sleep it off, Paul rummaged around inside until he found some lipstick and wrote on Tone’s chest, ‘Don’t wake him. You won’t like him when he’s angry. Thanks for letting him stay. We’ll collect him when we’ve saved the world! Lots of love! Captain America and Thor!’

“Sniggering, we set off to see how badly The Jesus and Mary Chain had aged.”

Turnip recalled, “To be honest I quite enjoyed seeing the Reid brothers back on stage. They‘re still moody tarts who never learned to smile, but they know how to rock n’ roll and for Scottish gothic types, they’re alright.

“It was Puerto Rico Paul who caused all the problems!

“As a massive Duran Duran fan, he had come to the festival dressed as his hero Simon LeBon. You’ve got to give it to Paul. Even back in the day when we were all listening to The Jam and Madness, he was singing the virtues of the New Romantics and he’s stayed true to that dream.

“He even does his own Simon LeBon tribute act, and once had a residency in a working man’s club up top, but the trouble is, he can be a bit prejudiced towards any male singers that don’t wear make-up or dye their hair blonde.”

Turnip added, “The Jesus and Mary Chain hadn’t been on stage long when he started to get a bit narky.

“He started heckling between songs and shouting stuff like, ‘Amateurs! Amateurs! Are you the Bay City Rollers in disguise? Where’s your bagpipes and haggis your miserable Scottish bastards! Och aye Jimmy! It’s Bellend and the Bravehearts!’”

Turnip added, “Puerto Rico Paul’s drunken and borderline xenophobic behaviour towards our Celtic cousins didn’t go down too well with everyone in earshot but as fate would have it, there were a handful of Jocks in front of us who took particular offence.

“This big guy in a Scotland football top turned around, pushed Paul, and shouted, ‘What’s your problem hey?” Paul just held up his hands and pleaded, ‘No problem mate. Just banter!’

“The guy just raised his eyebrows and said, ‘Banter?’

“Paul replied doing his best Jimmy Krankie impersonation, ‘Sorry mate. I get a bit carried away. Don’t take it so personally!’

"The guy just shook his head and turned away but Paul being Paul couldn’t let it go. He tapped him on the shoulder and asked, ‘What do you call an Englishman in a skirt?’ The guy just looked at him wearily, and Paul answered with a big grin, ‘A Scot!’”

Turnip added, “As I picked Paul up off the floor and dragged him away I decided it was time to leave before my friends could do any more damage to my reputation as a semi-professional paranormal investigator.

“As Paul moaned about being sucker punched and going back to sort the ‘Billy Connolly boys’ out, I just sighed inwardly and wondered if Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul would be more of a handicap than a help when it came to catching mermaids. But at the end of the day they were my mates and the world needed protecting from them.

“‘Come on Paul,’ I said. ‘Let’s go wake Tone and hit the road!’”

Turnip told the Chronicle that when they went back to the stranger’s tent to pick up Big Tony they found he had sobered up and was drinking herbal tea with a lady named Ingrid and listening to ‘Pretty Vacant’ by The Sex Pistols.

Turnip explained, “Ingrid was quite a posh lady with one of those piercing and plummy voices that often sounds rushed and breathless. And when she introduced herself as Ingrid, it sounded a little like, ‘Hello, my name is Inbred!’

“Behind his green hulk paint, I could see Tony going red, particularly when Paul held out his hand and said in his finest David Niven impersonation, ‘It’s a pleasure Inbred. Thank you for looking after this chap of ours, what!’

“Not at all,” said Ingrid. ‘It’s not every day one gets to meet the Incredible Hulk!’

"Enjoying Big Tony’s discomfort, me and Paul laughed a little louder and longer than we normally would.

“Things got even better just before we left when Paul asked, ‘I’m sure our paths have crossed once before Inbred. Is your second name Sussex by chance?’

“‘Close!’ She said. ‘It’s Kent.’

“‘Aahh! Inbred Kent.’ Said Paul. ‘How rum!’

“‘Oh, you chaps are frightful!’ Said Ingrid.

“‘Particularly this great big lummox, what!’ Said Paul, who was really getting into the stride of playing a fruity aristocrat, as he patted an angry-looking Big Tony on the head.

“‘I think we need to go now boys,’ growled Big Tony from the shadows.

“Ahhh! Who can refuse an order from the Hulk, hey Inbred?’ Announced Paul gaily as we left the tent like three soldiers of fortune traveling the gypsy road on their way to snare a mermaid!”

To be continued….