FOR centuries historians have been debating if King Arthur was a real person and if so, where the legendary British war leader’s mortal remains can be found.

However, according to semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip, the “case is now closed,” after he and his friends have finally located the ancient burial site and plan to “dig it up” in a bid to “return the once and future king to his rightful throne!”

Turnip told the Chronicle, “It all began when we were rescued from our pig hunting adventure in the Forest of Dean by my mate Tom Cruise.

“We were looking forward to getting a little kip, before going on a three-day bender! However, the devil makes work for idle hands and no sooner were me, Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul getting stuck into day two of our three well-deserved lager festival and arguing if David Bowie would have still been cool if he was fat when I get a call from Tyke, my pet name for Cruise, on the blower.

“‘JT!’ He cried, all excited and enthusiastic in that nauseating way some Americans have. ‘I’ve got four backstage VIP passes for Taylor Swift’s gig at Cardiff. Who’s in?’”

Turnip added, “Because Tyke was on speaker phone, Big Tony started putting his finger down his throat and making puking gestures. Meanwhile, Puerto Rico Paul gets up and starts doing this weird dance and singing, ‘Cruel Summer’ but in a gruff and guttural voice like a northern bloke who eats a lot of pies and keeps pigeons would.

“I simply replied, ‘No offence Tyke. I know you mean well, but there’s no Swifties here mate! Taylor may be talented but she’s got too much of an over-the-hill cheerleader with emotional issues vibe for our taste. We’re more Bonnie Tyler men. Now there’s a class act! A woman in white stilettos and a leather jacket who could out-drink us all, before beating us at pool.’”

Turnip added, “I once bumped into Tyler in the late 1980s in Tredegar Snooker Hall. What a girl and what a night. She’s got the sort of voice that could make rocks bleed.”

Turnip explained that after politely declining Tyke’s generous offer, the Hollywood heartthrob said, ‘Suit yourself guys. I’ll just take Clooney and Pitt. Those two love freebies!’"

Turnip revealed, “After Tyke had hung up the phone began ringing again but this time it was number withheld. Which meant it was probably Nannie Annie 'horror show’ Turnip. The old witch loves to make prank calls.

“‘Hello you old nappy-wearing urine-soaked hag!’ I barked merrily. ‘You’ll have to get up earlier in the afternoon if you’re going to catch this Turnip out.’

‘Excuse me!’ Said an otherworldly voice that sounded not so much posh, but ancient.

“‘There’s no excuse for your sort!’ I joked as an icebreaker.

“There was then an uncomfortable silence and the voice goes, ‘Am I speaking to Sir Turnip? The gallant knight who saved the fairy realm and attempted to slay the legendary Grunturunt?’

“‘Who wants to know?' I said, in that guarded way that I’ve adopted instinctively after a lifetime being hounded by bureaucratic jobsworths and debt collectors!

“‘My name Is Mr Allot, but you can call me Lance and I am a knight of the realm.’

“'What, like Keir Starmer, Elton John, and that lot,’ I say playing along thinking that Fast Eddie was in with 'horror show' on the prank.

“'No! Not like those scoundrels at all. I serve the round table that was, is, and will forever be!’ He said impatiently.

“‘What! That weird men’s club that put on the fireworks in Bailey Park? Well, if you’re looking for new members it’s not really my cup of tea. I appreciate all you do for the town, but thanks and no thanks.’”

Turnip explained, “He got a bit huffy at this point and shouted, ‘Dam your eyes you impudent root vegetable. I am Sir Lancelot. Raised in the realm of fairy by the Lady of the Lake. Orphaned heir of King Ban. Unrivalled in swordplay and joust, pure of heart, undimmed of vision, and sworn companion and liege to the once and future king. I will not tolerate your games.’”

Turnip said, “By then I was twirling my finger next to my head and mouthing ‘nutter alert!’ to the boys, who were cracking up. However, that could have just been the side effects of the copious amounts of sun and Stella."

Turnip added, “Anyhow, I’m not one to make sport of other people’s delusions and have a lot of empathy for nut jobs. But before I could shout, ‘Why’d you sleep with Guinevere then you slag!’He stopped me in my tracks when he said in a soft and soothing voice, ‘Remember that recurring dream you had as a youngster Sir Turnip. The one where you pull the sword from the stone and the world and all its maidens fall at your feet?’

“'Yes’ I reply nervously before turning the phone off speaker as Big Tony and Paul started eyeing me with wolfish interest and smirking like evil gherkins. ‘How did you know?’

“‘I told you. I am no mere mortal. I am an eternal knight who lives in the hearts of men everywhere. I am here to help you make that dream come true.’

“‘You’ll make me king of the world and all-powerful,’ I gasped before downing a half pint of lager in excitement. ‘Not quite,’ he sighed. ‘But you will have a significant part to play in the new world order.’

“'Where do I sign up? And do I get to hold Excalibur?’ I asked. as a combination of adrenaline and excessive alcohol intake nearly caused me to pass out.

“‘All will be revealed my white knight upon a fiery steed. Yet there are secrets I can only divulge in person. Can you meet me at Llanfoist cemetery in an hour,’ he asked.

“‘I’m on it!’ I replied.”

Turnip added, “If only I knew then the lies and treachery Sir Lancelot was capable of, I could have saved us all a lot of grief, and Puerto Rico Paul would still have both hands.”

To be continued……