AN Abergavenny man claims he was “shocked beyond belief” to have met a “real-life witch who could cast spells and everything” at this year’s Green Man Festival.

“Me and the boys only went because we were given free tickets,” explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip. “Apart from The Jesus and Mary Chain I hadn’t heard of any of the bands playing and wasn’t fussed. But as it turned out we had a great laugh and got to meet witch Jenny Benny who opened our eyes to the fact that not all women with power are Satanic.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that after receiving a mysterious invite in the post containing three tickets to the Green Man, signed “from a gentleman admirer,” he got on the blower to Puerto Rico Paul and Big Tony and arranged to meet them at Abergavenny train station and catch the shuttle bus to the festival site.

“Our Green Man experience didn’t get off to the best start because Tone and Paul have no idea how to dress for the big occasion,” confessed Turnip.

“Obviously as a local style icon, I always have to set the tone. People expect me to look sharp and I don’t like to disappoint. So in keeping with the theme, I was rocking an all-in-one green Adidas tracksuit with a canary yellow Fila bucket hat and some box fresh white Nike Airs.

“Because I didn’t want to look out of place I was also wearing some big wooden beads around my neck that I had borrowed from a charity shop.”

Turnip added, “I was necking some cans before the bus turned up and regaling all the festival-goers in the queue about one time in the 1990s when Puerto Rico Paul and Big Tony locked me in a portable toilet, kicked it over, and tried to set it on fire at the Reading Festival just before The Stone Roses took to the stage.

“But to be honest they all seemed a bit too uptight and bi-polar to really get into the fun side of the story. So before I could shout, ‘Stick to your socials, you miserable bastards. This is real life!’ Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul turned up and not for the first time in my life I lamented that I was cursed with mates who had no sense of style.”

Turnip told the Chronicle, “Puerto Rico Paul had come dressed as if he was doing one of his Simon LeBon tribute gigs. He was wearing a white suit with the sleeves of the jacket rolled up and the hem of the trousers cut high above the ankle. To make matters worse he was wearing a pink t-shirt and loafers with no socks. But that wasn’t the worst of it. He was also wearing a white sweatband on his head that drew far too much attention to his thinning peroxide feather cut.

“‘Jesus Paul’ I cried. ‘You look like you’ve just got off the Duran Duran boat!’ To which he sneered, ‘Said the man in a green tracksuit!’

“Yet it was Big Tony who had really pushed the boat out into the high seas of fashion hell. He had come dressed as the Hulk. And I’m not talking about one of those lame fancy dress costumes you can buy. He had made a real effort. He had painted himself green from head to toe and was wearing nothing but a floppy Beatles wig and some cut-off purple cords.

“‘Christ alive tone,” I said. ‘What’s got into you?’ ‘It’s the Green Man!’ He said all confused. ‘Paul told me it was like the Porthcawl Elvis festival, but instead of dressing up as The King, they dress up as The Hulk. A bit like Comic-Con?’ He said hopefully.

“I turned to Paul who was sniggering into his fag and it all became crystal clear.

“‘Nice one Paul! You’ve just made our mate look like a massive bell end in front of this bunch of losers!’ I said while throwing my arm wide to encompass the mixed gaggle of millennial and Gen Z onlookers who were trying not to laugh.”

Turnip added, “Before we could get into a full-blown three-way fist-fight the coach turned up and I just sighed and said, ‘Well, there’s nothing we can do about it now. Let’s just get tanked up and have a laugh.’

“As we barged our way to the back of the coach and started swigging our cans the mood lightened, and carried away with the spirit of less conformist times gone by Puerto Rico Paul lit a fag.

“Almost instantly other passengers on the coach started doing this weird forced coughing thing and looking at us like they were small and wounded animals caught in a trap, and we were the farm boys with big guns!

“The driver, who looked a bit like Hulk Hogan during his fat period, was giving us the stink eye in the rearview and shouted, ‘Put it out now son! You know the rules on smoking!

“Not fancy getting into it with a bus driver, who in my experience are usually a bad-tempered lot just waiting for any chance to have a scrap, Paul stubbed it out held up his hands, and shouted back, ‘Whatever happened to rock n’ roll?’

"To which someone on the coach jeered, ‘You left it at home with your Oasis CDs and Liam Gallagher wig Granddad!’

“This got all the young un’s laughing and in the face of such a putdown, there’s nothing you can really say back to make things better except to bow out gracefully. "Try to come back with a witty reply and you’ll just look like an even bigger dickhead.

“To make matters worse, Big Tony thought it was funny to say to Paul in his best nasal Manc whine, “You got to roll with it our kid!”

“Lost for words, Paul hung his head like a beaten dog and we all sat in miserable silence until the fourth can when the mood lightened again and Tone played one of his Spotify playlists through his portable speaker.

“The trouble is Big Tony’s taste in music is that of a builder. It’s music to dig ditches, lay bricks, eat fried egg sandwiches, and drink stewed and sugary tea too. And when the opening of Dennis Waterman’s ‘I Could Be So Good for You’ blared out. I quickly grabbed his phone and put it on shuffle. I didn’t think we could come across as less cool but as I studied Big Tony’s playlist I realised there was a long way left to fall.

“Moving quickly through songs by Dire Straits, Queen, Elton John, Meatloaf, Bon Jovi, and horrifically, Annie Lennox, I finally settled on ‘Guitar Town’ by Steve Earle. It was a good drinking song and that’s what we needed right now.

“As we all sang along and threw our empties down the front of the coach like cowboys without horses or hats, the bus pulled into the festival site and that’s when I first saw the witch!”

To be continued….