AN Abergavenny man claims he not only stopped alien life forms from digging up King Arthur’s corpse and defiling it, but he has also turned his back on a "golden opportunity to rule the world" because he “just didn’t need the aggro!”

After alleging that he and his friends discovered the final resting place of the once and future king and had retrieved Excalibur from Tredegar Reservoir, semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip told the Chronicle that he was accosted by men in beige suits who were actually extraterrestrials that had been plotting to rule the world for centuries.

“They look a little like your average dickhead,” explained Turnip, “But they’re actually from space and have one goal - to establish a global community council and enslave us all.”

Turnip added, “If they had managed to beat me and the boys in a fair fight and steal Excalibur, it would have been the endgame for humanity as we know it. They planned to use Excalibur to dig up King Arthur’s corpse and kill it.

“Fortunately, just before me, Puerto Rico Paul, and Fast Eddie prepared to go down fighting in one glorious last stand that Eminem would have probably written a bestselling rap ballad about, Big Tony turned up on a Shire Horse.”

Turnip explained, “Earlier on in the quest, Tone had quit because he didn’t trust in my vision anymore. He can be hormonal at times so I didn’t pay it much mind. But apparently, when he got back to Aber he was plagued by a bad feeling that his mates were in trouble so he jumped into his Bedford Rascal and hot-footed it down the Heads of the Valleys.

“Only trouble is, he broke down just outside of Ebbw Vale. However, Tone is a resourceful type and after borrowing a Shire Horse from a nearby field he travelled the rest of the way to Tredegar on his stolen steed.

“Imagine our surprise when Big Tony turned up on horseback at the last minute, brandishing a baseball bat and yelling ‘Banzai you bastards!’

“In his classic red Adidas tracksuit and Wales FA bucket hat, he looked every inch a knight for the modern age. The fact that he was blasting out Beyonce’s “End of Time” on the portable Bluetooth speaker he had strapped to his back didn’t even seem weird. Tone’s always had a strange choice in fighting songs and it certainly rattled the aliens.

“They were expecting a walkover but they didn’t count on a mad bastard from the Mardy riding a horse, playing Queen Bee, and screaming blue murder. As Tone charged, the men in beige couldn’t hold their line or nerve.

"They peddled away furiously on their electric bikes and as their crappy motors clicked in, I waved Excalibur at their backs and yelled ‘This is for Arthur you Martian flyboys!’”

“‘That’s 1-0 to humanity’ screamed Puerto Rico Paul, as he high-fived Fast Eddie! ‘Where’s that treacherous toad JFK Jones?” I asked. ‘He’s one of them now,’ said Paul. ‘They’ve corrupted him with their multi-dimensional nonsense.’

“’He was a good man,’ I sighed solemnly. ‘Let’s remember him for who he was and not the motherless piece of crap he later became.’

“As we all bowed our heads in silence and tried to remember something positive about the rat who once called himself our friend, I gazed in wonder at Excalibur. After all my manifest trials and tribulations I finally had the means to resurrect King Arthur and rule the world as his second in command.

“Yet to be honest it all seemed like a lot of unnecessary aggro. I’d have to return to Dunraven Bay, plunge it into the rock, and hopefully free the once and future king.

“Looking at Excalibur, which resembled a rusty old Samurai sword from the 1990s a little bit too much for my liking, I wasn’t sure if it wouldn’t just snap in half as soon as it hit solid rock. As weapons go it didn’t look very epic.

“Even if I managed to free King Arthur, there was always the possibility he could be a dickhead. I mean, if you’ve been sleeping for over a thousand years only to be awoken up by a bunch of men in tracksuits and told you’ve got to fight some aliens and rule a country again, what sort of mood would you be in?

“Also, if I had to be his second-in-command I should imagine it’s pretty much a full-time job. Something which I’ve always studiously avoided. As I keep telling my job coach, if I don’t get enough Netflix and beer time during the week I can get a bit neurotic!”

Turnip added, “Looking at Excalibur I finally made my decision and just as I went to hurl the sword of destiny back into Tredegar Reservoir, Puerto Rico Paul went to grab it, but as he touched it he let out a scream and fell to his knees.

“‘I can’t move my hand’ He screamed!

“Paul’s left hand had gone completely limp at the wrist. Every time he went to move it it just flopped back down lifelessly.’

“‘What strange magic is this?’ Growled Big Tony. ‘This sword is cursed JT.’ He said. ‘Throw the thing back into the water and be done with it.’

“As I threw Excalibur skywards, I’m sure I saw what looked suspiciously like a false widow spider jump from it. Nanny Annie ‘Horror Show’ Turnip used to breed them and plant them in bananas in supermarkets until she was caught on CCTV one time and told to behave.”

Turnip told the Chronicle, “As the sword we had spent so long searching for finally splashed into the water I’m sure I saw a hand come up to grab it, but for some reason, it was wearing those fingerless green neon gloves that were big in the eighties. It freaked me out a little, but no one else seemed to notice anything untoward.

“Big Tony had got into a heated argument with Fast Eddie about who would win in a race between Usain Bolt and Sonic the Hedgehog. Meanwhile, Puerto Rico Paul was sat gazing at his limp wrist and moaning how he’d never be able to hold a microphone and do his Simon LeBon tribute act again.

“I said, ’Trust me, Paul. It will get better. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next month or even next year, but one fine morning you’ll wake up and have the use of both hands again.’

“This seemed to console him and as he softly started singing ‘Rio’ by Duran Duran we all joined in the chorus and turned our heads to the heavens.

“Singing tunelessly together and without a care in the world, we looked at the first stars of the evening appear in the sky like pinpricks in the curtain of night.

“And as we stood side by side with our arms flung around one another’s shoulders I realised I had been searching for what was already there. There was a King Arthur inside every one of us. It was the great king’s spirit of individualism, resistance, defiance, and courage in the face of overwhelming odds that mattered. Not his final resting place or rusty old sword.

“As the boys broke off singing ‘Rio’ and Puerto Rico Paul began doing an enthusiastic rendition of ‘Hungry Like The Wolf,’ while using his limp wrist like a stage prop, Fast Eddie pulled out a crate of lager from the boot of his mini and grinned.

“It was going to be a good night!”