AN Abergavenny man has made the fanciful claim that he is all that stands between this world and eternal night.

“It’s a bold statement I know, but ask anyone, I’ve always been about the statement,” explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

“It was Sir Lancelot who awakened me to my true destiny,” Turnip told the Chronicle between mouthfuls of Scotch egg. “For years I had just sort of coasted along, with no real ambition or motivation other than to have a good time, all the time, but deep down I sort of knew I was born for something special and my new mate Lance confirmed it.”

After meeting a mysterious stranger in Llanfoist Cemetery, Turnip said, “The scales finally fell from my eyes and I saw things how they truly are - infinite!”

After claiming to be the reincarnation of Sir Lancelot, the stranger explained that he had been sent back to Earth to convince Turnip to find and dig up the body of King Arthur, before resurrecting the “once and future king” and restoring balance to the world.

“At first it all sounded crazier than a barrel of rattlesnakes at a full moon party,” explained Turnip. “But then after listening to him ramble on like a headcase for a few minutes it all made sense.”

Turnip added, “Lance said that only a soul pure in thought and deed, could wield Excalibur, channel King Arthur’s spirit, and heal the world and its people. Instinctively I knew he was talking about me. In a giddy rush I quoted Shakespeare, ‘Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them, but I tick all those boxes don’t I?’ ‘Yes Johnny, you do,’ he said. ‘You’re a very special person.’

“I stood up in triumph, shook my fists at the Heavens, and roared, ‘Who’s laughing now you bastards!’ And then a crow landed on a nearby gravestone and started shrieking at me as if mocking my finest moment, which kind of ruined my triumphant mood.

“Sensing my disappointment, Lance grabbed both my hands and urged, ‘There are forces of darkness gathering that seek to cast all that is good and pure in this world into a pit of no return.’

“‘You’re talking about the General Election. aren’t you?’ I said.

“Lance just sighed impatiently and replied, ‘You alone have been chosen to resurrect King Arthur, wield Excalibur, and save humanity from itself. I am old, so old, and have not the strength or courage to do what needs doing. You are true to yourself Turnip and care not what the world thinks of you. That is power beyond words and the reason you have been chosen by the Knights of the Roundtable to lead this quest. Do you accept your mission?’

“I replied, ‘Man! My mate Tom Cruise would love all this cloak and dagger and mission stuff, he thrives on it! But yes, I accept. Where’s my horse? Or have you got me a Harley?’”

Turnip explained that Sir Lancelot looked at him quizzically before saying, ‘This is no joke Turnip. Long is the way and hard the journey that leads from darkness to light. You will need fellow knights to aid you on your quest. One will fall in battle, one will betray your cause, and one will lose their mind to the terror that lies in the darkness between the stars. Pray tell, who will you name as your brothers-in-arms? You can pick four, no more!’

“‘That’s easy!’ I said, ‘I’ll take Big Tony, Puerto Rico Paul, Fast Eddie, and if he doesn’t have to sign on this week, JFK Jones! They’ll be my knights!’

“‘Very well!’ Said Lance. ‘It is done. Summon your men. Fill them with courage, inspire them with vision, strengthen their resolve, and take the road to Llandovery in the morn.’

“'Hold on a minute! Repeat what you just said?’ I cried with a growing sense of unease.

“Looking all perplexed and pained, Lance began, ‘Summon your men…’ ‘No!’ I interrupted. ‘ The bit about taking the road to Llandovery.’

“'What’s wrong with Llandovery? He asked. ‘What’s right with it?” I bellowed. ‘Have you ever been to mid-Wales? Well, I have. I lived in a cave just outside Builth Wells for four years during Covid and nearly lost my mind. Llandovery’s worse! I used to be dragged there as a youngster for family camping holidays and don’t think I’ve ever quite recovered. The boredom, the tedium, the endless fields full of livestock and broken people. I can’t go back, I just can’t.’”

Turnip explained, “Sensing I was distraught, Lance grabbed my head between his two hands enclosed in white satin gloves and said, ‘Sir Turnip, you must slay this phobia of Llandovery. Or it will become your Achilles heel. I implore you, gather your knights, travel to Llandovery Castle, kneel at the statue of Llywelyn ap Gruffudd, and summon the spirit of the great Prince. He alone can guide you to King Arthur’s final resting place. The forces of light are counting upon you. Now go forth and save us all’”

Turnip said, “I’ve always had a sense of the dramatic and Lance’s words banished all the lingering dread I had of returning to Llandovery. When your job is saving the world, you’ve got to put personal prejudices aside. Not everyone is lucky enough to live in the Mardy, and as an urban sophisticate, I knew I could probably grow to tolerate people from mid-Wales rather than actively despise them.

“I high-fived Lance, roared, ‘I’ll be in touch when the job’s done to discuss payment terms’ And ran like the wind to the pub to find the boys and let them know the plan.”

Turnip added, “When I told Big Tony the news he just looked up for his game of online roulette, shrugged his shoulders and said he’d drive as long as I paid for all the beer, which seemed fair. Fast Eddie was a bit dubious at first because his only experience of Llandovery had been a bad one with the Duke of Edinburgh scheme the thick kids at school used to do, but when I said there might be a bit of sword fighting involved, he jumped at the chance. He’s always loved a scrap! JFK Jones was chomping at the bit because as his nickname suggests, he loves anything involving conspiracies. Puerto Rico Paul took a bit of persuading because he had a few bookings that week for his Simon LeBon tribute act, but when I offered to buy him VIP tickets for the next time Duran Duran was on tour, he reluctantly agreed.

“The gang was united, the game was on, and as we took to the road in Big Tony’s brand new Bedford Rascal, singing ‘Swords Of A Thousand Men'’ it all seemed a bit of laddish caper, but as we passed a sign reading Llandovery I knew instinctively that hell and all its hordes laid in wait."

To be continued......