AN Abergavenny man who said he has been ordered to hunt and capture a mermaid by “higher powers” has made the audacious claim that once, not only was hunting these mythical sea creatures entirely plausible but it was also a “well-respected sport!”

“Nowadays people are more into their football, rugby, pigeon fancying, and fly-fishing to really understand what a popular pastime mermaid hunting was,” explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip. “But if you rewind the clock a few years, and we’re sort of talking the Dark Ages here, hunting females who had fishtails instead of legs was all the rage."

Turnip added, “I only know because an old sea dog called Captain Cornelius Clyde told me.

"The Captain has roamed the earth for centuries and he attributes his incredibly long life span to all the mermaid tears he used to drink in his youth!”

Turnip recalls that Big Tony, Puerto Rico Paul, and himself were put in touch with Captain Cornelius Clyde after they paid Paul’s mother, The Witch of Tudor Street, a visit to ask her advice on capturing mermaids.

Turnip said, “After we left the Green Man Festival we spent a few days binge drinking and trying to formulate a plan, but we couldn’t hatch anything solid. It didn’t help that Puerto Rico Paul had one of his sporadic meltdowns.

“Paul’s got a very artistic temperament. He just hasn’t done anything artistic with his life, and sometimes he goes a bit Van Gogh on us. He hasn’t cut off his ear yet but he’s come close.

“He gets these dark moods and throws these massive hissy fits where he can’t seem to find the point in anything.

“Anyhow, Big Tony tried slapping him around a bit and telling him to stop acting like a bloody woman, but nothing was working and we were getting desperate. We had a world to save after all and Paul was our wingman.

“In the end, Paul fixed himself by dressing up as Pennywise and disappearing into a darkened room for 48 hours where he did nothing but drink spiced ginger tea, play his Duran Duran records, and watch every episode of ‘Succession’ back to back.

“He left that room a new man and it was good to have the old Paul back. He had ditched the clown costume and wig and was wearing a pinstripe suit and shades. This new Paul hardly looked like a nutter at all.

“He just turned to me and Big Tony and said while chewing a matchstick, ‘Gentlemen, we need to pay a visit to the witch!’”

Turnip explained that after jumping into Big Tony’s Bedford Rascal, the gang headed out to Paul’s mother's caravan on the outskirts of Llanthony Priory.

“When we got to the witch’s caravan, Pauline was sat out the front in her bucket chair and was skinning a rabbit with a zombie knife.

“‘Hello boys!’ She smirked when we got out of the van. ‘Bubba Bennet just dropped this bunny off. He’ll be gutted when I tell him he just missed dumb, dumber, and braindead!’”

Turnip added, “As the witch cackled at her crap joke, Paul just sneered and spat on the ground as if to ward off a great evil. However, Big Tony looked like he had been visibly punched in the gut. There was bad blood between him and Bubba.

“As teenagers, they’d hunted and killed a lot of small, furry animals together. They were even into badger baiting before it was a thing. Yet when Big Tony fell in love with a vegan Buddhist from Blackwood, he quit the bloodspots and made a big effort to pretend he didn’t eat meat.

“Anyhow, the big guy was very much in love and he even got engaged with the Buddhist girl whose name I can’t recall because we all just called her Linda McCartney behind Tone’s back.

“To cut a long story short, Bubba Bennet threw an engagement party and promised there would be no meat on the menu for the sake of Tone’s bird. Yet when we arrived Bubba had laid out this huge barbecue. There were wall-to-wall sausages and burgers everywhere. He was even grilling up roadkill for Christ’s sake.

“When Tone’s lady friend arrived she didn’t see the joke. She just slapped Tony in front of everyone and shrieked, ‘What sort of animals eat meat on this scale?’

‘She stormed out of there and Tony’s life for good as the big lovestruck chump just looked on helplessly like a rabbit in the headlights.

“When Bubba softly placed a hot dog in Tony’s clenched hand and said, ‘Eat up bro! Plenty more fish in the sea and pigs in the pen’ It was the last straw. A huge fight erupted. It was like Hulk Hogan versus the Ultimate Warrior all over again but with real blood.

"Since that day the two’s paths have never crossed and it was why Big T was feeling the pain at the mention of his former best mate’s name.

“‘Anyhow!’ Said the Witch. Bringing us all back to the present.

“With an unnerving narrowing of her beady and malevolent eyes she asked Paul, ‘Why are you wearing that suit, son? You look like a spiv! Have you been to court again for shoplifting? What did you nick this time, low-fat mince?’

“Ignoring her venom, Paul explained wearily, ‘We’re on another quest mum. What do you know about mermaids?’ He asked.

“‘Enough to know when something smells fishy, boy! If it’s mermaids you’re after. Go speak to Captain Cornelius Clyde. He’ll tell you all you need to know about those slippery customers. You can usually find him hanging about outside supermarkets begging for spare change. Now clear off! I’ve got a bunny to boil!’

“Leaving old acid tongue to her bitter and twisted ways, we set off in forth of this mysterious Captain.”

Turnip explained that after endlessly cruising around the car parks of numerous supermarkets in Monmouthshire they finally caught up with the Captain and took him to the pub where he shared his wisdom about mermaids over a bottle of rum.

“At first the old sea dog had us twisted,” explained Turnip. "He kept repeating that capturing a mermaid and making her cry was a surefire way to gain eternal life. He said in the old days it was a popular sport and every aspiring youngster had dreams of growing up and becoming a mermaid catcher.

“I had to explain that we weren’t hunting mermaids for reasons of pure immortality. We were doing it because we were working for the Triple Goddess and she needed the mermaid tears so the Green Man could drink them and restore balance to the Earth.”

Turnip added, “You could tell the old salty bastard wasn’t impressed by that. He just looked at us all moody and misogynistic and said, ‘Whatever the reason. If it’s mermaids you’re after. There’s no better hunting ground than the town of little fishes itself - Tenby!’

“‘Grab your bucket and spades boys’ Cried Puerto Rico Paul, who I feared was now entering the manic phase of his bi-polarity. ‘We’re going to the seaside to dig for some miracles!’”

To be continued…….