IN a world riddled with grim prophecies that a fascist will move into the White House and the end is nigh, an Abergavenny man has warned that it is leprechauns and not President-elect Donald Trump who poses the real threat to life, liberty, and “the freedom to act like a dick-head on social media.”

Semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip told the Chronicle, “As a rule me and the boys ignore politics. We see it as beneath us.

“Whoever’s in the hot seat, be it the UK, the USA, or Outer Mongolia, it makes no difference to the way we live our lives. We dropped out of society pretty much as soon as we were born, and much like the ancient Celts, we spend our days on top of mountains or in the shadow realms battling with supernatural creatures.”

Turnip added, “There’s no man born of a woman who can tell Big Tony to mind his pronouns, and as for telling Puerto Rico Paul where and when he can and can’t smoke, well, good luck with that.

“We ain't jumping through hoops for no snake in a suit and have a healthy distaste for whatever clown wants to rule roost and boss the plebs about.

“However, when you all these sensitive souls incessantly wailing about an orange monster in a red baseball cap who is going to drag the world into a hell without equal, then, as someone who has gone toe to toe with some of the fiercest otherworldly creatures this side of creation, I feel the need to step in and urge them to ‘get a grip!’"

Turnip elaborated, “Trump isn’t the real enemy, leprechauns are! They have been using world leaders and royalty as puppets and distractions from their own diabolical schemes for generations.

“I can see their grubby little sausage fingers all over the US election but I don’t think either Donald Trump or Kamala Harris were ever aware they were being used by these corrupt, gold-hungry, shamrock-obsessed stove-pipe wearing, alcoholic little pygmies.

“The entire election was just circus and bread for the masses while the leprechauns were busy elsewhere fine-tuning the plans that would see them turn the world into a hell you couldn’t even begin to possibly imagine.

“Fortunately for humanity, me and the boys saw the whole sideshow for what it was and were busy making plans of our own to save the world from the looming leprechaun apocalypse!”

Turnip added, “The problem is most people don’t think leprechauns are real, and neither did I until a wise man told me that I’d have a hard time finding a mermaid in this day and age because the leprechauns had systematically slaughtered most of them for their scales centuries ago.”

Turnip explained that after receiving a vision in which he was told by someone he believed was the Triple Goddess to find a mermaid, make her cry, and use her tears to restore balance to the world, it slowly dawned on him towards the end of his quest that he was being manipulated by leprechauns.

He claimed they wanted him to find the last remaining mermaid so they could bludgeon her to death like she was little more than a piece of cod to be battered and consumed.

Turnip explained, “Once they had killed the last perfect embodiment of femininity and fish on the planet, those red-faced little bastards would be free to chase any rainbow they want and condemn us all to a life of servitude, non-stop Irish dancing, and pubs that serve nothing but Guinness.

“Would you want that for your kids?”

Turnip told the Chronicle that the US election was a perfect smokescreen for their Machiavellian designs and Trump, who he explained the little people referred to as the ‘blundering orange giant,’ was the perfect distraction.

“Fortunately for the world, I had a Eureka moment at the last minute and it’s now a race against the clock to stop the leprechauns and their plans for world domination,” revealed Turnip.

“Initially the quest was to hunt down a mermaid and make her cry by calling her fat or something and using her tears to awaken the Green Man and get him working again.

“But then I asked myself, why did the leprechauns want me to use my immense powers of deduction to track down the last living mermaid so they could kill her? What was it they were so scared of? And then I realised, it was her tears!

“A mermaid’s tears are to leprechauns what kryptonite is too Superman. Yet how could I obtain her tears without leading the leprechauns directly to the last ladyfish?

“And then I remembered when Naughty Nell of the Pond told us about the mass cull of the mermaids when the leprechauns turned the sea red with their butchery. It was evident to my mind that the sea wasn’t always salty, it was the tears of the butchered mermaids who had made it so.

“The solution was so simple it nearly made me vomit. I don’t need to make a mermaid cry after all. The sea was already full of their tears. I just needed to fill a bottle full of seawater and use it as part of an anti-leprechaun spell that would banish the little imps to their own realm and stop them from tampering with ours.

“The only trouble is, for such a spell I needed a mighty warlock and in my experience such gifted magi are not all that easy to come by.

“As luck would have it, Puerto Rico Paul mentioned a queer character back in old mother Abergavenny that could possibly help save the day.

“Paul said, ‘Remember when we were hunting wild pigs in the Forest of Dean and that bloke Psychic Steve said he once studied high magic with an arch-wizard on top of the Skirrid mountain? What was his name?

“‘Earl Elderflower,’ growled Big Tony. ‘He once gave my mum a tarot card reading and it messed with her head. But he has got a reputation for being a bit handy with the spells. When Black Sabbath lived in a cottage on the Deri to record ‘Master of Reality’ he was their go-to man for mushrooms and anything a bit witchy. I think Ozzy used to call him the camp Gandalf!’

“‘Sounds like our man!’ I announced triumphantly.

“‘Let’s get some sea water, head back to the hills, and make the world great again.’”

To be continued….