ALTHOUGH the lost guitar that John Lennon used on “Help!” and “Rubber Soul” was found in an attic and sold at auction for over £3 million earlier this year, an Abergavenny man claims he knows the location of another “more important and lost guitar” that once belonged to The Beatles' rhythm man.

“This guitar is so special and secret that not many people know about it,” explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

“It’s the one Lennon practiced on behind closed doors and used to write so many famous songs on that there’s no point in me naming any. However, it could also be the one he played when The Beatles came to Abergavenny in 1963, so that would make it priceless."

Turnip added, “The exact location of the guitar was revealed to me by two brothers from Manchester who I met in Tenby’s St. Catherine’s Fort.”

Turnip revealed that, alongside Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul, he found himself in the fort after being told by a dolphin that the best way to capture a mermaid was to head there and find the two brothers who could sing a sea shanty no creature born of woman and fish could resist.

Turnip told The Chronicle, “I’ve been to Tenby loads of times but never had a gander inside St. Catherine’s Fort before. It’s a part of the landscape and looks sort of cool in a pirate way, but the idea of buying a ticket and climbing the steps always put me off.

“I’m glad I made the effort though. It’s all period drama decor and haunted house vibes inside. Very atmospheric!”

Turnip explained, “After wandering aimlessly around the fort for a bit and daydreaming about living there like opium-addled recluses, we got a bit bored, and Puerto Rico Paul started to lecture us about its history.

“Apparently, as well as being a bastion that could be used to hammer the French if they ever found their bottle and attacked British shores, it’s also been used as a private residence, and from 1968 to 1979 it was a zoo.

“Once it was abandoned it became a magnet for all sorts and Paul reckons his brother Pete, who was once a bit of a face in the Monmouthshire Mod Squad, would come down here with the lads on the weekend in the 1980s and have a bit of a set too with Dixie and The Port Talbot Rockers who used it as their unofficial clubhouse."

Turnip mused, “Crazy days! You don’t get the kids going in for that sort of tribal warfare thing these days because they’re all too busy making dick heads of themselves on TikTok.

“Anyhow, as we we admiring the graffiti that the Port Talbot Rockers had left behind, I heard the unmistakable guttural whine of a Mancunian as they started singing, ‘We are the mods!’

“I turned to my left and there was this diminutive but edgy-looking geezer with a savage haircut, who was wearing a parka that was almost down to his ankles.

“He caught me looking in his direction and said, ‘How do man. Mod action! Know what I mean?’

“After a lifetime of feeling with nut-jobs, I just nodded my head wearily and replied, ‘You knows it bra!’

“‘Biblical brother, biblical’ he said while his whole body sort of twitched as if he was riddled with an electric current.

“At this point, Puerto Rico Paul asked him, ‘Do I know you mate? You look familiar?’

“He replied,‘Familiar to millions but known to no one. Been around man. Know what I mean? Just chilling and filling my boots. Here with brother Noah to find brother Lennon’s guitar. As you were.’”

Turnip revealed, “At this point, a similar looking sort of geezer tapped him on the shoulder and said, ‘C’mon LG, time to move. The boat’s ready!’

“‘Boat!’ I said, and then the penny dropped. ‘Are you two brothers?’ I asked. The older and more haggard one just looked at me as If I was simple, and snarled, ‘What do you reckon pal?’

“As both of them turned to go I shouted, ‘Wait! Can any of you sing?’

“‘You having a laugh?’ Said the older one as he raised one of his ferocious eyebrows. And then the younger and more excitable one just put his hands behind his back, thrust his head at us, and bellowed, ‘Maybeeeeee!’

“Taking that as a yes, I explained to them that we were on a quest to hunt a mermaid, make her cry, and use her tears to revive the Green Man and restore balance to the world.

“I said,'The only trouble is none of us knew how to sing the song that would woo a mermaid’s heart. So far the only thing we have summoned from the deep were dolphins and they said to head to the Fort and find two brothers if we wanted to complete our quest and earn the favour of the Triple Goddess.'

“‘Well that’s quite the mouthful’ said the older one, before studying us intently and adding, ‘I know crazy when I see it and you lads are it. But I don’t hold that against you, or him’ He said gesturing with a thumb at his younger brother who was shadowboxing and singing ‘I Am The Walrus.’

“‘In fact, crazy can be a game-changer. As it happens, me and LG here are on a mission of our own. Rumour has it that John Lennon’s lost guitar is buried on Caldey Island and we mean to find it, play it, sing the world a new song, and make ourselves a sackful of loot in the process.'

“‘Never rated The Beatles,’ Said Puerto Rico Paul, who secretly loves them, but not as much as he does a wind-up. ‘They’re little more than a poor man’s Dave Clark Five in my books,’ he said while giving Brother Noah the aggro eye.

“To his credit, Noah took it well. He just laughed, pointed at Paul, and said, ‘I guess, when you dress like Simon LeBon anything goes.’

“Little did he know Paul would take this as a profound compliment. Noah had made a friend for life!”

Turnip added, “As LG started eating boiled eggs and challenging Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul to an arm wrestling competition, Brother Noah told me that when The Beatles had split up, Lennon had entrusted his favourite guitar to a roadie named Cliff with the prophecy that, ‘A day will come when a new band will strum a new dawn for this island. When they do this guitar will be waiting for the one who is worthy. Until then, keep it safe and keep it tuned soft lad.’

“Cliff explained in a letter he left to Noah after his death that he and Lennon were heavily dosed on acid when the conversation took place, and he wasn’t sure if the Beatle was joking or not.

“Not wanting to second guess the great man Cliff wrapped the guitar in some bin-liners and buried it on Caldey Island because as a Pembrokeshire local he figured such a holy item deserved a holy island all of its own.

“Apparently, after suffering from repeated nightmares that Ed Sheeran had found Lennon’s guitar, Cliff was convinced Brother Noah was the man worthy of the job and left him a map in his will detailing where it could be found, along with the message, ‘Be warned, if the right chords are played in the right sequence on that guitar, it can tear a hole in the very fabric of reality.’”

Turnip added, “I must admit, I was more than a little intrigued at this point. The quest to find Lennon’s lost guitar almost made me forget about my mermaid mission.

“Yet above the crashing of the waves, I could hear destiny calling and the familiar sensation of a plan coming together.”

“I asked Brother Noah that if we helped him find the guitar, perhaps we could sail out to sea while he played it and his brother sang a song that would summon a mermaid and save the world.

“‘No problem!’ He said. ‘We played a lot weirder gigs when we were just starting out.’”

To be continued……