AN Abergavenny who believes leprechauns are real has also told the Chronicle the diminutive supernatural beings of Irish folklore are no laughing matter and should be taken seriously.

“It’s easy to laugh at people who are small and have facial hair,” explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip, “But let me tell you now, it’s not all pots of gold and rainbows with those nasty little bastards. What if I told you that leprechauns have the blood of millions of mermaids on their hands? You wouldn’t be so quick to dance a jig and call them merry pranksters then would you?”

Turnip explained that he uncovered the “terrible slaughter” and “psychopathic brutality” that leprechauns were historically responsible for, during his quest in Pembrokeshire to find a real-life mermaid.

He explained that after a session in Wiseman’s Bridge where Stepaside Sammy Jr revealed that a special seashell that was once sacred to the Kingdom of Mer could be found in Bosherston Lily Ponds, he set off with Big Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul the next morning to “restore balance to the world.”

“In theory, once we had the shell, we could summon a mermaid, make her cry, and use her tears to wake the Green Man up and get the lay sod working again,” explained Turnip.

“On the way to Bosherston, we were all juiced up and amped because once we had the shell of power things should be quite straightforward. We had Sammy Jr’s map and knew exactly where to dig. So it was pretty much game on and over! Yet we didn’t bank on the bloody leprechauns!”

Turnip told the Chronicle that after spending a pleasant morning sharing their pork pies with the ducks and arguing if a remake of the Flash Gordon movie would be a cinematic crime or a turning point for the Gen Z Tik-Tok content creation generation, they decided to get to work.

After a few hours, they finally located the exact spot where the shell of power was buried, and Big Tony got busy digging.

Turnip explained, “The Lily Ponds is such a lovely and peaceful spot. We spent many a happy day here in the 1990s with nothing but a ghetto blaster, a bit of Public Enemy and a crate of Stella to pass the time, and it hasn't changed one bit.

“As me and Puerto Rico Paul watched Big Tony labour like a pit pony in the Autumn sunlight, I laid back on a grassy mound, took in the spectacular views, and sighed, ‘life is good’ and almost dozed off.

“After he got about five feet down, Big Tony’s shovel hit an old wooden chest and we knew then what it was to be pirates. After a good five minutes of roaring, chest bumping, and shouting ‘who the man?’ at each other, we decided to pull out the chest and have a butchers.”

Turnip added, “I don’t know what we were expecting to find inside but it wasn’t a signed photo of Terry Wogan and a piece of paper that read, ‘Congratulations losers! We’ve got the shell of power! But you can have this! Love the little folk!’

“‘What new madness is this!’ Roared Big Tony, who was probably suffering from all the exertion mixed with quite a substantial hangover.

“Before anyone else could say anything, a tall, undernourished figure wearing what looked like a wizard’s cloak, but was in fact one of those god-awful dry robe efforts, appeared from behind a bush.

“‘What you’re dealing with there boys is the lunacy of the leprechauns,’ he said in a voice that was a lot like the old man from Steptoe and Son.

“‘Tell me, friends,” said the stranger. ‘How much do you know about the stumpy swine?’

“‘Only what I’ve learned from watching the Wizard of Oz and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’ said a panicked-looking Paul, whose fear of small people has always run deep.

“‘Munchkins and oompa loompas are a different breed,’ said the stranger. ‘In many ways, they are just as dangerous, but the real nut jobs are leprechauns. Why I’ve known one to go into a frenzy, jump on an elephant, and beat it to death with their pot of bloody gold.’

“‘Who are you stranger and what business do you have with us!” I cried.

“‘They call me naughty Nell of the pond,’ he said, which wasn't the coolest nickname, particularly because he was wearing a dry robe and kind of reeked of stranger danger.

“‘As for what business I have with you,’ he said. ‘I assume you boys be looking for the shell of power?’

“I nodded and waited for him to elaborate.

“‘Well, you won’t find it here. The leprechauns have it. What’s more, there are only a few mermaids left in these parts since they systematically butchered them all as if they were nothing more than cod or haddock! The great cull they call it but it was slaughter pure and simple.’

“‘Why the hell did they do that for?’ Asked Big Tony.’

“Naughty Nell eyeballed Tone, perhaps wondering if he was as simple as he looked, and said, ‘For their scales big lad. A mermaid or merman’s tail is 50 percent silver or gold. That’s a lot of wealth and if there’s one thing those little bastards are above everything else it's greedy!

“‘Centuries ago they came here in their hordes. Everywhere you looked there were bushy beards, red faces, and green hats. They were drunk out of their minds, singing songs tunelessly and fighting one another in a wild frenzy.

“‘Sounds like a Pogues concert,’ mused Puerto Rico Paul.

“‘It’s no laughing matter boy,’ said Nell gravely. ‘These mermaid murdering scum turned the sea red with their wickedness. There were thousands of them out there on their weird wooden boats calling to one another in their high-pitched voices and harpooning one poor mermaid or merman after the other.

“‘A few of the mer kind escaped and fled to the holy waters surrounding Caldey Island where the leprechauns were forbidden to venture, but a kingdom crumbled that day, and when the killing was done the very sea withdrew in disgust from the Kingdom of Mer.

“‘As you probably know boys, the underwater Kingdom of Mer stretched from Manobier to Tenby but this part of South Pembrokeshire is now above the waves because the sea and everything in it remembers the evil that occurred here and neither tide or time can redeem or reclaim it.’

“‘That’s all very well and it’s a sad story,’ I said. ‘But without the shell of power. How the hell do we summon a mermaid?’

“‘You’ll have to do things the old-fashioned way,’ said Nell.

“And what’s that?’ I said.

“‘You’ll have to sail out to sea and woo her with a song.’

“As soon as he said this, I could see Puerto Rico Paul’s light up. The man who had performed his Simon LeBon tribute act for decades in the pubs and clubs of South Wales seized the moment he had perhaps been waiting all his life for.

"'I know a tune!' He whispered hoarsely."