After claiming he spent New Year’s Eve in a haunted house in Powys going “toe to toe with all manner of supernatural filth,” an Abergavenny man has made the audacious claim that “nothing is real”

“I think it was Einstein who said that reality was just a persistent illusion,” explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip. “And although I might not have a quantum-sized mind, I can see what the old codger was getting at. Particularly after spending a night in an inter-dimensional arm wrestle with an ancient nature spirit.”

Turnip explained that after helping a warlock mate try and contain “the ancient bastard” through the power of his imagination alone, “things went a bit South until the dragon turned up.”

Turnip told the Chronicle, “Towards the end of our tussle I feel the ancient bastard was really tapping into its centuries of experience and wisdom to outgun me in our game of wits, but fortunately for us a big red dragon appeared out of nowhere to bolster our ranks.”

Turnip added, “I don’t know if any of your readers have spent any time around dragons but they’re impressive beasts. They look as solid as a mountain and as elusive as sunlight on water at the same time. They’re also almost like a big communal drug. Everyone in their vicinity gets a little high on their strength and wonder. Except that is, those on their hit list, and I can tell you now, the ancient bastard was in numero uno position when it came to our flame-throwing friend’s bad books.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that although the dragon didn’t speak to them directly it used Big Tony as a mouthpiece.

“It was the craziest thing,” explained Turnip. “As soon as the dragon turned up, Tone’s eyeballs shot into the back of his skull, and that hasn’t happened since the 1990s so we knew it was otherworldly magic.

“And we were right! As the dragon stood there looking all epic and letting the ancient bastard know its cards were marked, Big Tony’s mouth started moving, and the voice of the scaly one came forth.

“‘I am the spark in the dark, the hope at the end of all things. The sleeping titan who dreamt the world into being, and the formless who can take any shape,’ Roared the dragon through Big Tony’s mouth.

“He told the ancient bastard, ‘You have no power here little sprite. It is time to pack up your box of mischief and tawdry tricks and move on.’

“And with that, the space which the ancient bastard occupied, bear in mind you couldn’t really see it as much as you could feel it, folded in on itself and just gave out a pathetic little pop!

“Once it was gone the gloomy and claustrophobic that had seemed part of the fabric of Cherry Tree Cottage lifted. Don’t get me wrong, it was still a crap house, it just wasn’t a supernatural crap house anymore.

“‘That’s that then!’ Sighed Earl Elderflower, who had initiated this entire situation by using me and the boys as bait to try and capture and control the ancient bastard to do his bidding. His grand scheme had backfired spectacularly and the warlock was looking a bit dejected.

“I grabbed him by his robes and screamed in his ashen face, ‘We’re even now ponce! If I ever see you or your poxy spells again, Big Tony will let his pet dragon eat your liver, before burning out your eyeballs and tearing out your tongue.’”

Turnip added, “As Earl Elderflower crept past us while nervously eyeing the dragon, Big Tony let out an outstanding roar that made the warlock jump out of his skin. Speaking through Tone’s mouth, the dragon snarled, ‘Begone simpering fool, and take your end-of-the-pier magic with you.’

“‘Yeah boy! Bust both that fool’s crystal balls!’ Yelled Puerto Rico Paul as the warlock fled Cherry Tree Cottage like an atheist being chased out of a chapel.

“As me and Paul casually high-fived one another and wondered if Big Tony would spend the rest of his days being possessed by a superior being, the dragon looked at both of us winked, and using Tone like a ventriloquist’s dummy said, ‘It’s been a trip boys. We’ll meet again soon. The universe wills it. Until then, don’t go chasing waterfalls. Ciao for now!”

“And with that, the dragon disappeared in a puff of red smoke and Tony’s eyeballs swivelled back to life. On seeing the dragon had gone, he roared, ‘No! Annie! Come back! You filled up my senses like a walk in the forest or a night in the rain. Come be in me again!’”

Turnip said, “As Puerto Rico Paul sniggered and shook his head at Big Tony’s shame, I just patted the big guy on his back and said, ‘It’s only natural to miss someone when they’ve filled every last inch of you with force and finesse, but you can’t go chasing the dragon to fill up the emptiness. That way lies madness.’

“Big Tony just nodded as he sobbed uncontrollably, but I think he understood what I was really getting at. Any love affair between man and reptile is doomed to failure.”

Turnip added, “As Puerto Rico Paul lit a fag, and threw a can of lager at Big Tony who caught it gratefully and cracked it open, I looked around at the squalor and filth that was Cherry Tree Cottage and pondered on the events of the last 24 hours.

“We’d been subject to a warlock’s spells, been haunted by ghosts, victimised by an ancient nature spirit, possessed by a dragon, and seen through the illusion that is reality. We had danced between dimensions like bombastic ballerinas and lived to tell the tale.

“In many ways, it was a standard New Year’s Eve. But something profound had changed in us. We now knew for sure that nothing was real. Deep down we had known it all along, but it had never felt this comforting before.

“I looked at the boys as they necked their lager and talked trivia. It was like they had just watched an underwhelming FA Cup final rather than seen things that most mortal eyes couldn’t even conceive.

“It was then I felt an overwhelming sense of pride in what I liked to think of as our hive mind. Nothing could phase us because if nothing was real then we were free to invent our own worlds and become our own gods. The sky wasn’t the limit because we could rename it ground zero. If reality was anything it was a blank canvas and we had some pretty big paintbrushes to work with.

“This trip was just beginning and things were about to get real……….crazy!”