AN Abergavenny man has complained that after unexpectedly being subjected to an out-of-body experience at the Green Man Festival, he’s not sure what’s real and what’s not anymore.

Semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip told the Chronicle, “I’m no stranger to the weirder side of life, it’s how I roll, but after meeting witch Jenny Benny at the Green Man and having an astral projection where I spoke with a pagan god from ancient times, things have become a little tense.”

Turnip explained that after being sent free tickets to the event by an “unknown admirer” he and his friends Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul arrived at the festival site “full of lager and keen to celebrate” when they were accosted by a witch named Jenny Benny.

“We knew Jenny Benny was a witch as soon as we jumped off the shuttle bus. She had green skin, and a crooked nose and she was dressed all in black. She even had one of those big hats and broomsticks like the one who wants to kill and eat Dorothy and her dog in the ‘Wizard of Oz,” said Turnip.

The paranormal investigator added, “Puerto Rico Paul got on her wrong side straight away when he smirked, ‘Hello hag! We’re not looking to buy any gypsy charms or crystals today. So be a good little bride of Satan, get on your broomstick, and fly away!’

“Like a lot of people who meet Paul for the first time, she just looked at him with contempt, waved one wart-covered hand in his face, and crooned, ‘The sky is wide, the ocean is deep, my empty-headed fool, it’s time to sleep.’

“Almost instantly Paul fell to the ground like a sack of spuds and began snoring. To be honest I’ve always been impressed by by magic and am a massive fan of David Blaine. So my first reaction was to clap furiously at a trick well executed.

“However, since reading the Roald Dahl book as a kid, Big Tony has always been wary of both witchcraft and people who wear wigs. He shouted, ‘Oi Grotbags! Whatever you’ve done to Paul you better put it right now!’

“As Tone had come to the Green Man dressed as the Hulk, his natural bulk and surly demeanour were even more threatening than usual but this didn’t phase the witch none. Once again she waved her wart-riddled fingers and hissed, “The mountains are tall, the way is wide, come little mouse it’s time to run and hide.’

“Big Tony embarrassed himself something rotten by running to the nearest tree, turning his back to us, covering his eyes with his hands and repeating in a childlike voice, ‘I’m not here am I, my dear…?’”

Turnip added, “It was pretty appalling stuff and not the way I had envisaged our festival experience playing out.

"Careful not to upset the witch who was gazing at me with her curious and alcoholic bloodshot eyes, I asked, ‘What be your name witch? And what business have you with us?’

“She then said in a sort of voice that slithered like a barrel full of rattlesnakes, ‘My name is Jenny Benny. I am the good witch of the Southern breeze, and the old gods have plucked you Turnip to save the world!’

“‘Not again!’ I moaned involuntarily. ‘I don’t mind a bit of graft, But how many times in a lifetime must one man save the world?

“‘You should ask my mate Tom Cruise! This sort of thing is more up his street! I was just hoping to come here, have a few beers, listen to a few bands, and avoid anything occult-like! What with hunting fairies, outwitting supernatural beasts, and resurrecting King Arthur, I need a break. It’s been a busy year! Can’t the old gods wait?’”

Turnip explained, “The witch just smiled at me like a cat before it tortured a bird some more and replied, ‘There is no time lowly vegetable of the Earth. At sunset today the old gods will drag you from your mortal frame and break every single limit of your imagination as they show you the universe as is and as will be!”

“Feeling all cocky at being wanted and in demand, I shot back with, ‘My imagination is pretty big woman!’”

Turnip admitted, “As soon as I said it I was overcome with a wave of self-disgust because it might sound to this jumped-up little wand weaver that I was flirting with her.

“Keen to show the sorceress she was punching way above her weight and there was no way a household name like myself could ever be romantically interested in her, I bellowed, ‘Bring on your old gods bitch! The past is theirs but the future’s mine.’ And then really getting into the spirit of things I roared, ‘I am the resurrection and I am the light!’

“I then felt a bit simple when I realised I was just parroting a Stone Roses lyric at her. The subconscious works in strange ways that’s for sure.”

Turnip explained, “After an embarrassed silence the witch finally released Puerto Rico Paul and Big Tony from the bondage of her sorcery, and before disappearing back into the shadows she simply pointed one gnarled finger at me and hissed, ’Reality will shake, minds will break, wander low, wander high, follow the scream of the butterfly!’

“‘Yeah! yeah!’ I said dismissively. ‘I think the Bad Poet’s Society and The Doors Appreciation Club meet every evening by the urinals’ I smirked while pointing in the direction of the foul-smelling toilets. ‘Now do one hag!’”

Turnip added, “By this time Big T and Puerto Rico Paul had come to their senses, or at least what passes for a normal state for those two, and we were all sticking our two fingers up at the witch’s back and getting a bit leery.

“‘Well now we’ve got the paranormal crap out of the way. Let’s hit the bar and get wasted!’ I announced like a benevolent beer-swilling god fresh from battle.

"‘Amen to that!’ Said Paul. And as the three of us raced to the nearest tent to buy some overpriced ale, we tried to ignore that in his manic excitement to get tanked up and escape reality Big Tony had accidentally knocked a baby boomer in a kaftan and sandals over.

“‘For Christ’s sake T!’ Said Paul as we had settled with our pints on a grassy bank a few minutes later. ‘That poor guy! It must have been like being mowed down by Jonah Lomu at full pelt!’

“‘He’ll be alright’ Smirked Tone, ‘He just won’t be able to watch the Incredible Hulk again without having panic attacks.’

“Roaring with mirth and knocking our plastic mugs together like conquering Vikings, it felt good to be alive, drunk, and sitting with friends in the setting sun. I wasn’t sure about the wailing coming from the stage though. Still, you can’t have everything.

“As the sky slowly turned crimson red I pondered the insanity of having to live a life governed by the warnings of witches, pagan gods, and friends who thought it was appropriate to come to a music festival dressed as the Hulk and Simon LeBon.

“And as I idly entertained the thought that the sun going down is simply an illusion of the Earth spinning around, I felt the first twinges of a dehydration headache. But before I could ask Puerto Rico Paul if he had any codeine, my consciousness was ripped from my body and I was dragged to what I have since learned are the astral realms.”

To be continued.......