FROM the legendary Lost City of Z to the fabled island of Atlantis, the rumours of ancient civilisations have tantalised and tormented truth seekers, adventurers, and rum-swilling buccaneers for centuries.

And now an Abergavenny man believes he has discovered evidence that points to a lost civilisation that once existed in Pembrokeshire.

“At first all roads pointed towards Saundersfoot” explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip. “To my mind, there’s always been something suspect and fishy about that place but it turns out the kingdom of mermaids and mermen that we were seeking lay in what is now Tenby.”

Turnip told the Chronicle, “Of course, we’re talking thousands and thousands of years ago but what most people don’t realise is this island of ours was once a different shape and a large part of South Pembrokeshire from Freshwater West to Tenby was once underwater. As far as I can ascertain the Kingdom of Mer stretched from what is now Manobier to Tenby.”

Turnip added, “It’s a crazy story I know! But I have no reason to doubt the man in the pub at Wiseman’s Bridge.”

Turnip said, “Just as dawn was breaking and the lock-in was coming to an end, the man who went by the name of Stepaside Sammy Jr, even gave me a map that leads to a special seashell that was once sacred to the Kingdom of Mer.

“Stepaside Sammy told me that once I have the shell I can use it to summon a mermaid, make her cry, and use her tears to restore balance to the world.

“At the start of this quest, I didn’t realise it was going to be this easy but thankfully it looks like me and the boys are on the right track!”

Turnip revealed that after traveling to Tenby from Abergavenny on their mission to find a mermaid for the Triple Goddess they initially hit something of a brick wall!

“Tenby’s a great drinking town,” explained Turnip. “Particularly for a Monmouthshire man.

“Because it’s at sea level there’s a lot more oxygen down there than mountain men like us are used to, and all that O2 is great for hangovers. Which meant we could eat crab and drink red wine to our heart’s content. "If we felt a bit shaky in the morning we’d have a dip at North Beach, followed by a Full English and a couple of shandies to set us up for the day.

“The only trouble is ‘the day’ usually revolved around a steady pub crawl that lasted until the early hours and usually ended with me, Big Tony, and Puerto Rico Paul running naked through the surf in South Beach and re-enacting that scene in Rocky III with Balboa and Apollo Creed frolicking in the waves.”

Turnip revealed, “By week two we decided to get our heads glued on and down to business. So instead of the usual afternoon session at the Hope and Anchor, we decided to hop on the bus to Saundersfoot and take the walk from Coppet Hall to Wiseman’s Bridge.

“The idea was that the sea air would clear our heads and help us hatch a strategy to capture a mermaid.

"Once we had a definite plan we could celebrate with a pint or two of something mild at the Wiseman’s pub.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that as they walked, Puerto Rico Paul was beginning to show evident signs of alcohol withdrawal.

“It had been a heavy week,” explained Turnip. “And Paul’s bipolarity was probably a little bruised from all the binge drinking. He started ranting about how much he identified with seagulls and how he should move to the coast because that was his ‘spiritual home.’ I saw Big Tony’s nostril flare when he said that, but I kept my own counsel. Paul was about to have one of his episodes and it was best to let him talk himself out.

“‘The thing is boys!’ He said. ‘I once had the chance to move to Swansea but that place is far too coarse and vulgar for my liking. It’s all fake tans, crap tattoos, steroids, botox, and people who think they can surf. Barry Island has far too many James Corden associations and Porthcawl attracts too many Ebbw Vale types. Ogmore is ok but who wants to live that close to Bridgend?

“No. I think when you’re used to the civilising influence of a place like Monmouthshire, only Pembrokeshire will do for a little seaside getaway. It’s the kind of county where I think my Simon LeBon tribute act would go down well.’”

Turnip added, “After delivering his sermon on seaside towns in Wales, Paul fell silent and gazed out to sea as we walked.

“Without looking at me he suddenly said, ‘What’s the point in all this JT?’

“‘The point in what Paul?’ I said patiently as Big Tony shook his head and gritted his teeth like a dog.

“‘All of it!’ Shouted Paul as he flung his arms wide. ‘Mermaids, fairies, King Arthur’s burial place. What exactly are we chasing here? Is any of it real? Or are we just slaves to substance abuse and personality disorders?’

“‘That’s enough of that talk!’ Growled Big Tony.

“'Why?’ Shouted Paul. ‘Look at us! We’re men in our late forties, with nothing to show for our lives but a series of broken relationships, dead-end jobs, and unrealised dreams!’

“‘That’s the bi-polar talking Paul!’ I said. ‘I don’t call repeatedly saving the world a dead-end job.

"'Your trouble is that there’s always been a part of you that wants to clip your wings and get in line. If you want to be a domestic dog obediently sitting at the master’s table waiting for a bone and a pat on the head, be my guest, but that’s not who you really are and you need to remember that.’

“‘Then what the hell are we JT’ He screamed in my face.

“‘We’re the men they couldn’t hang Paul!’ I said. ‘The bandits on the borderline, the last of the Apaches. When we’re gone who will dare dream the dreams we’ve dreamt and live the lives we have led? We’re the men who can’t be bought because to the world we are worthless, but what we’ve got is priceless, and that’s one another’s backs until the end of time, or at least until last orders!’”

“Appealing to Paul’s poetic nature and manic duality always worked wonders. In an instant, he went from despondent to delirious and roared, ‘Hell yes! The things we’ve seen and done are far too big for a social media update! They’ll write songs about them!’

“Forgetting completely about our need to hatch a plan to capture a mermaid we walked triumphantly to the pub to celebrate our brilliance while singing ‘Freebird’ by Lynyrd Skynyrd.

“Yet as it turned out visiting the pub was a fortuitous piece of luck because it was at Wiseman’s Bridge we met Stepaside Sammy Jr who told us all about the Kingdom of Mer.

“All of a sudden catching a real-life mermaid didn’t seem all that impossible. If we were lucky we might just be able to catch a handful and sell a few on eBay.”

Turnip added, “As the unmistakable and iconic opening drum burst of Tommy Gun by The Clash came on the jukebox, Puerto Rico Paul downed his point, grinned demonically, and said, ‘I think we’re going to need a bigger aquarium boys!’”

To be continued…..