WITH artificial intelligence busy plagiarising the past and making an enemy of our future, the fear that one day the world will be plunged into a Terminator or Matrix-style scenario is not just some far-fetched fancy but a grim reality, according to an Abergavenny man who claims that “robots are already walking amongst us and are using their steel trap minds to plot the downfall of humanity!”

Semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip told the Chronicle that he first became aware of the “machines wearing flesh suits” when he was forced to attend a job club called ‘Instant Muscle’ in Newport.

“I’m used to the government treating the unemployed like guinea pigs for whatever new atrocity they’ve got planned, but I didn’t think even Starmer’s lot would sanction using the unemployed to develop their version of the T-800,” explained a disgruntled Turnip.

The paranormal explorer added, “At first I thought that Mike, our job coach, was a deep state operative but the truth was a lot more terrifying. It turns out Mike was actually a cyborg on a mission to harvest my unique knowledge and skill set for the benefit of AI.

“Luckily I got wise to the machine head’s plans before it was too late, but it was a close-run thing!”

Turnip told the Chronicle that he first became aware that Mike was like a more sinter version of M3GAN when he asked him and the boys to take their place in the ‘circle of trust’ and write about a ‘momentous occasion’ in their lives.

“Getting us to sit in a circle all helpless and lost as if we were in an AA meeting or something is all part and parcel of job club,” explained Turnip.

“In theory, it’s all about boosting self-esteem and doing an inventory of your strengths but in reality, it’s a corporate tactic to dehumanise you and break your spirit, so they can rebuild you in their image. I wasn’t having any of it and neither was Big Tony, Puerto Rico Paul, or Fast Eddie.

“When Mike asked us to tell him about our greatest achievements we just sat there all sullen and brooding like a collective sponge draining all the energy from the room.

"The suffocating silence and fierce inactivity was too much for a tool like Mike.

“You could see he was getting a bit uncomfortable and wondering what to say next and that’s when I first noticed he was probably a robot.

"He’d been giving off strong Dalek vibes from the kickoff, but that’s standard for blokes like Mike. The vibrations I was getting off the job coach were far more than the usual sanitised straight edges of officialdom. This dude was not right in the head. He didn’t have a brain, he had a motherboard!

“Anyhow, when Mike finally said, ‘C’mon guys. One of you must have an experience or occasion you’d like to share with the group that you’re particularly proud of?’ Big Tony smirked, ‘Yeah! Waking up this morning!’

“As we all chuckled a little too loudly to make Mike feel bad about being a dickhead, Puerto Rico Paul chimed in with, ‘I’ll always be proud of the first day I attended school…… sober!’

“That got us all howling as I looked around for a piece of paper to roll up and throw at Mike’s stupid head.

“And then Fast Eddie said all seriously, ‘I’ll always be particularly proud of beating my coke addiction!’

“Puerto Rico Paul raised a quizzical eyebrow at that one, but Mike was all over it and crooned with delight, ‘Substance abuse is a debilitating thing, particularly for those actively looking for steady employment. Well done on conquering your addictions Edward.’

“Fast Eddie just shrugged like it was no big thing and said, ‘I had no choice really, the gout was getting out of hand and all that sugar and corn syrup they put in fizzy drinks nowadays was probably making me borderline diabetic.’

“As Mike realised he’d confused the nature of Fast Eddie’s addiction, Puerto Rico Paul just started sneering at him and began singing an acapella version of Duran Duran’s ‘The Wild Boys’ which admittedly was a bit weird.”

“Struggling to regain control of the situation, Mike held out his hands and said, ‘You have a lovely singing voice, Paul. Have you ever considered auditioning for Britain’s Got Talent?’”

“As Monmouthshire’s leading Simon LeBon impersonator, Paul greeted Mike’s question with the contempt it deserved, and snarled, ‘Ever considered auditioning for the human race?’”

Turnip added, “Trying to keep things civil, even though he knew his secret identity as a robot was pretty much blown, Mike said, ‘Ok! Let’s try something different. Where do we all see ourselves in five years? Tony, you go first.’

“The big guy bellowed in a spontaneous show of aggression,‘Fighting that YouTube joker Jake Paul in a televised bout, and unlike Iron Mike, I won’t go easy,’

“Paul was next and said he wanted to rent jet skis in Hawaii before flamboyantly lighting a cigarette, taking a deep drag, and making some pretty impressive smoke rings.

“When my turn came I looked the flesh robot square in the eye and said, ‘My ambition is pretty simple, I want to bring real magic back to the world and become a Houdini for our times!’

“I could see this had rattled whatever collection of microchips and wires passed for the cyborg’s mind and I was just about to say your ruse is rumbled robot man, when Fast Eddie announced to the room, ‘In five years' time I would like to be a stunt double for Tom Cruise.’

“Before his hard drive had time to think what his mouth was saying, Mike mused out loud, ‘Aren’t you a bit short for that?’

“As Puerto Rico Paul leaned back with a grin and waited for the fireworks, Fast Eddie slowly climbed down from his plastic chair and roared ‘Where do you see me in five years Mike? Down the pit, up the chimney? Singing songs to Snow White in some backstreet panto?’

“‘You prejudiced prick!’ Screamed Eddie before charging at Mike.

It was then we learned firsthand just what a robot is capable of when threatened!

To be continued…..