HE is perhaps the world’s most famous fictional detective with almost supernatural powers of observation, deduction, and logical reasoning. Yet a radical new theory suggests that Sherlock Holmes wasn’t just the product of Arthur Conan Doyle’s imagination, but based on an Abergavenny man named Shylock Bones!

The audacious claim has been made by semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip who insists that he is a direct descendant of the man who inspired Doyle to create the super sleuth of Baker Street.

“It’s no secret amongst the Turnip clan that Sherlock Holmes is pretty much one of us. We’ve just never bothered to share the secret with the rest of the world until now.

“Bones is not a true Turnip but he’s related to the tribe by blood. He was Nanny Annie ‘Horror-Show’ Turnip’s dad.

“When we were young, we’d often sit around her cauldron and the old bitch would regale us with tales of her daddy’s drinking buddies.

“Doyle and Bones hit it off because as well as being borderline alcoholics they were both spiritualists. Anyhow, the writer was so impressed by Bones’s quick wit and powers of logic that he based the detective guy on him.”

Turnip added, “As a Turnip it’s just something you grow up knowing. I have never been that impressed because someone like John McClane from the ‘Die-Hard’ films is more my type of cop. I find Holmes a bit boring and dusty and you never see him going psycho with a gun and shouting witty one-liners!”

Turnip told the Chronicle that he was reminded of his family’s famous connection when he recently visited a Monmouth pub, only to find it had been taken over by a TV crew who were in town to film a new series based on a young Sherlock Holmes.

Turnip explained, “In a bid to stop Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul moaning about spending New Year’s Eve in a haunted house in Powys, I decided to take them to Monmouth for a change of scenery and get them drunk.”

Turnip explained that after he and the boys had settled in for a session, they were distracted from their argument about who would win a fight between Aragon from ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and Ragnar from ‘The Vikings’ by what he described as “some loud and overbearing thespians.”

Turnip explained, “All of a sudden the pub was overrun with a gang of excitable and giggly types. A barmaid told us they were part of a new TV series that somebody called Guy Ritchie was directing. We hadn’t got a clue who he was! Big Tony thought it could be the guy who plays Alfie Moon in ‘EastEnders’, but I wasn’t convinced.

“Anyhow, Puerto Rico Paul just supped his point and growled, ‘Thespians!’ Like they were a curse or something, and me and Big Tony looked around to see if we could see anyone famous and cool like ‘The Rock,’who is an inspiration to us both.”

Turnip added, “With their shandies, and non-alcoholic Guinness, they all looked a bit dull and un-Hollywood. One of the older and more haggard amongst them asked if he could sit at our table because his varicose veins were playing up and all the other stools were taken.

“‘Be my guest friend!” I said because I noticed he had a proper old-school pint of Brains in his hand and he also looked a bit of a Billy-no-mates!

“As I studied his face he reminded me a bit of that old actor who used to play the dashing bloke in all those Jane Austen adaptations they used to pollute the BBC with, but that guy was probably dead by now.

“‘What’s your name mate?’ Big Tony asked.

“‘Colin!’ He said. And we all laughed out loud at that because Colin is such an uncool name. No wonder he wanted to spend his life pretending to be other people.’

“‘You here as part of the film?’ Said Puerto Rico Paul in a tone that seemed to suggest Colin was here to take our lives, burn our villages, and kidnap our woman folk.

“‘Yes! Yes! I am. It’s quite an interesting project.’

“‘Is it?’ Growled Paul whose open hostility was now becoming embarrassing.

“The trouble with Paul is he’s much like Nanny Annie when it comes to theatrical types. He doesn’t trust or tolerate them. It all stems from a time when he was in drama class in school and he had to pretend he was a seal. He’s never quite got over the ordeal and the scars run deep.

“‘Easy Paul!’ I said. ‘The thespian’s just here for a drink. Let him enjoy his pint in peace.

“‘Thespian’! Chuckled Colin. ‘I haven’t been called that in quite some time.’

“‘But that’s exactly what you are though!’ Growled Paul, almost as if to suggest Colin was part of some depraved satanic society.

“‘Well, I guess I am. And amen to that. There are much worse things to be!’ Colin said while raising his pint.

“‘Are there?’ Paul shot back, ‘Nothing springs to mind!’

“Colin put down his pint and replied, ‘I take it you don’t like actors?’”

Turnip explained, “Seeing that the situation could soon turn ugly, I interjected, ‘Paul. Pop to the Rascal and get the fags will you. I’m gasping!’ As Paul reluctantly left I turned to Colin and said, ’It’s not so much Paul doesn’t like actors, he’s just not a fan of a certain type of acting.

“‘Such as?’ Queried a perplexed Colin who was getting quite defensive about what is after all said and done just a game of let’s pretend.

“Trying to think on the spot I quickly blurted out. ‘He believes all acting is pantomime and actors take themselves far too seriously! In fact, he believes that panto is the purest and most honest form of acting.

“‘After all!’ I said while holding out my arms expansively, ‘What is Shakespeare if not panto that hasn’t aged all that well!’

“As Colin choked on his pint, I continued, ‘Take my mate Tyke, or as you’d know him, Tom Cruise! He doesn’t act but just plays himself and that’s why he’s always a cool guy in the films. He also does his own stunts and you have to respect that.

“‘It’s the same with John Wayne or Clint Eastwood. They’re the same guy in every film because they’ve got a presence. And you can’t teach that. But it goes a long way with the audiences.

“‘Actors today just haven’t got the faces, haircuts, or lifetime of stored grievances to play a Dirty Harry or John J Rambo. They try too hard and just ain’t cool enough or believable.

“I carried on, ‘As someone who values being cool as the highest virtue, Puerto Rico Paul has a problem with acting that’s too forced, and people who aren’t themselves. Don’t take it personally, it’s just the way he rolls!’

“Sitting back in my chair and smiling like a smug QC who just trounced the opposition I gazed at Colin as he finished his pint, shook his head at my unbeatable logic, and walked away in the daze of someone who’s just spent ten minutes in the company of higher life-forms.

“It was at this moment that Paul returned and after lightly knocking Colin with his shoulder just to let him know he was still on his radar, sat down and said, ‘I see the thespian’s done one! Who here fancies something a little stronger?’

“And as Big Tony roared in his best Noddy Holder impersonation, ‘It’s Christmas!” We put all thoughts about thespians, haunted houses, fictional detectives, and supernatural devilry out of our minds and threw ourselves with wild abandon into the non-stop rodeo that is the party season!

To be continued….