Einstein once wrote, “For those of us who believe in physics, the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.”

However, an Abergavenny man now claims he has gone one better than “old Albert” and believes he has seen past the illusion and come face to face with a being that is older than time.

“If there’s one thing we know about time with any degree of certainty, is that it’s pretty old,” explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

“Yet on New Year’s Eve, I saw what lies beyond the birth of time and it isn’t pretty!”

Turnip told the Chronicle that his experience of what he terms “the faceless and ageless one” happened on New Year’s Eve when he was looking after a haunted house for a warlock friend.

He explained, “The visit from Ishmael the farmer and his spooky tale about Jimmy D Baade who sold his soul to satan and died in a bathtub of whiskey had us all one edge.

“Particularly when ‘The Devil Went Down to Georgia’ suddenly began playing.

“As it turns out the music wasn’t Jimmy riffing from beyond the grave, it was just Big Tony’s ringtone. Fast Eddie was calling to see if Tone could give him a lift to Ebbw Vale in the Rascal.

“Apparently, Billy of the Valley had told Eddie there was some sort of illegal rave going on near the old steelworks and it was going to be cosmic!

“Reluctantly, because he loves an excuse to put on his dungarees and white gloves and grab his whistle like it’s 1990 all over again, Tone told Eddie he’d have to steal an electric scooter and make his own way up top because he was stranded in Powys and wasn’t going anywhere.

“Anyhow, as Puerto Rico Paul was apologising to a betrayed-looking Captain Cuddles for accidentally throwing him against the wall in shock when Big Tony’s mobile went off, my phone started ringing and it was Earl Elderflower.

“‘What you want now you old fruit?’ I barked.

“Just like a bloody politician, the warlock can never answer a simple question and he simply crooned, ‘Four knocks and then you’ll see, the cherries will fall from the tree. The ancient one awakes, and the pillars of reality will shake. Four knocks and then you’ll see.’”

Turnip added, “Before I could say, ‘Grow up you pathetic tart!’ He hangs up and guess what? There was another knock at the front door and this time it was a witch!

“I say witch, but it was just some lady who had painted her face green and was wearing a black hat. Apparently, she had moved to Powys from London during the great Covid exodus and was driving to a New Year’s Eve fancy dress party in Brecon.

“Apparently she lived nearby, which in Powys could mean anything up to a 20-mile radius, and had taken a wrong turn. She saw the lights were on at Cherry Tree Cottage and thought she’d ask if we had any ciggies before she carried on with her journey.

“I invited her in and asked, ‘What be your name witch?’

“‘Rhiannon’ She said.

“‘As in Rhiannon the fair?’ Asked a skeptical-looking Paul from the sofa.

“‘More like Rhiannon the foul!’ She cackled. ‘Anyhow, what you lot doing in the dead musician’s house?’

“‘You knew Jimmy?’ I asked

“‘If you mean that fat guy who looked like a cross between Bonnie Tyler and Robert Plant, and who played guitar badly in the local pub from time to time. I knew him in passing. A terrible shame what happened but by god he was a bore! Were you guys in some sort of band with him?’

“‘Christ no!’ I said. We’re paranormal investigators. We’ve been told this house is haunted and we’re here to summon and trap an ancient spirit.’

“Rhiannon just looked at us with a slight air of amusement for a moment and then laughed and said, ‘I can see you guys are obviously deluded, but harmless enough. Here, have some herbal highs. Happy New Year!’

“And with that, she gave us a few capsules that looked a bit like magnesium supplements, in exchange for some fags, blew us some elaborate air kisses, and was on her way.”

“‘At least someone looks like they’re going to have some fun tonight,’ muttered Big Tony from the shadows.

“‘We can have fun to Tone!’ I said, trying to cheer the big guy up. Let’s neck these capsules and see where they take us!’

“‘Into oblivion with a bit of luck.’ Piped up Puerto Rico Paul, who as usual could be relied on for his unwavering negativity.

“‘Bottoms up!’ I roared as we downed the herbal highs and sat down to wait for whatever came next.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that before long the three of them must have dozed off because the next thing he recalls was being awoken by yet another knock at the door.

“But this time we knew in our bowels it was different,” explained Turnip.

“We all looked at one another with the realisation that this was no dry run this was the real thing. This was the fourth knock of the evening and the ancient evil Elderflower had sent us here as bait to try and catch was finally upon us.”

Turnip explained that as they rose from the sofa like samurais ready to meet their foe, they walked slowly to the door, and were knocked down like dominoes as it was blown open by an “almighty and otherworldly gust of wind.”

“We were snuffed out as if we were candles on some greedy kid’s birthday cake,” said Turnip.

“Puerto Rico Paul was holding Captain Cuddles at the time and the cat was lifted out of his hands and the gust carried it straight through the living room window. The noise of breaking glass and screaming cats was savage. As Paul lay prostrate and screaming for his pussy, Big Tony managed to clamber to his feet and charge at the open door while bellowing like a bull. But it was all in vain, another howling gale knocked him to his feet again.

“I urged the boys to slide on their bellies to the safety of the lounge like we used to when we reenacted the tunnel scene from ‘The Great Escape’ as youngsters. We were nearly there when the front door slammed shut, the lights went out and an insidious voice that felt like it was worming its way into our ears with a parasitical purpose, gleefully announced, ‘You’re my playthings now!’”

To be continued……