AN Abergavenny man who went on a “drinking holiday in Llandovery” has claimed that on the third night he was “blessed with a vision that could turn the world on its head!”

Semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip confessed to the Chronicle that he and his friends quest to find the final resting place of King Arthur hit a bit of a roadblock in the Carmarthenshire market town, because “we were bored out of our skulls and ended up drinking ourselves senseless every day and night.”

He explained, “Our sacred mission to resurrect the once and future king had turned into a bit of a drinking holiday.

“Things came to a head on the third day when JFK Jones broke his ankle when we were racing down the overflow at Lyn Brianne dam and reservoir on shovels. In hindsight, it was a silly thing to do but so was visiting Llandovery!

“Anyhow, after JFK had passed out with the pain we had to bite the bullet and take him to the nearest hospital. We dumped him there and said he’d done it playing football. After five minutes of waiting for him to regain consciousness, we began to get a bit twitchy, so we left the hospital, jumped in Big Tony’s Bedford Rascal, and headed back to Llandovery for a pint.”

Turnip explained, “Time has a habit of dragging in Llandovery, so one pint turned into eight, and before you knew it, no one was in a fit state to pick JFK up when he called. We told him to get a taxi and meet us back at the castle where we were camping.

“In the meantime, we had bumped into a Llandovery local called Cheeky Gill who was telling us all about the town that had trapped him and turned him into a borderline alcoholic.

“When Cheeky Gill told us his name, Big Tony, Puerto Rico, and Fast Eddie started howling with laughter. Not so much because it was such a weird nickname but because Gill was anything but cheeky.

“He was the sort of moody bloke in the pub who scowled a lot and started fights with better-looking and cooler men. He was alright with us though, probably because he could sense that under the expensive leisure wear and gold jewellery, we were all touched by the hand of fate.

“‘Let me tell you about this toilet I call home!’ Said Gill when he got stuck into his sixth rum and shrub. ‘A century or two ago there were 70 pubs in this neck of the woods for a lost soul to drink themselves blind. We even had a beer-drinking goat.’

“After saying his piece Gill leaned back in his chair and eyed us all in turn as the sheer magnitude of having 70 pubs in a town where the population was a little over two thousand began to sink in.

“Puerto Rico Paul just slurped his lager and said, ‘A thousand pubs wouldn’t be enough to keep me in this crap house!’

“Cheeky Gill eyed him furiously like maniacs in small towns often do, leaned forward in his chair, slammed his fist down on the table causing our drinks to spill, and roared, ‘How right you are sir. Every eve I fall asleep drunk and hormonal with plans to sober up and leave in the morn. Yet the horror of opening your eyes in Llandovery is unbearable without booze and so I reach for the nearest bottle. It’s a vicious cycle boys. Get out while you still can. It’s too late for the likes of me!’

“Cheeky Gill then began crying uncontrollably and shouting for us to get out of the pub and out of his town. It was at this moment some old timer at the bar pulled out a guitar and started singing ‘Mr Tambourine Man’.

“Before long the whole pub, all seven of them, including Gill. were merrily singing along. And although we like a sing-a-long as much as the next man it’d been a long day and we decided to return to the castle and get some kip.

"We were abandoning our quest to find King Arthur and leave in the morning. The cost of staying in Llandovery was too high. Our collective mental health had taken a proper kicking and was at breaking point. We’d seen a lot on our travels, but nothing had quite prepared us for the town that time forgot!”

Turnip explained that as they settled down in their sleeping bags for their last night amongst the empty beer cans and dog-ends that lay scattered amongst the castle ruins, his last thought before sleep stole his eyes was, “Now that he’s probably broken his ankle I wonder if JFK Jones will have to wear one of those big ski boot things!” And he fell asleep laughing.

Yet just before dawn, he had what he believed was a waking dream or a mystical vision.

“At first it was just like any other morning in Llandovery,” explained Turnip. “The general sense of oppression and grey clouds was broken only by the occasional crow that looked like it wanted to eat my eyes.

“I looked around to see the rest of the boys asleep and snoring and as I strolled out of the castle ruins to have a slash. I had the shock of my life.

"That big statue of Llywelyn ap Gruffudd that’s usually perched on the rock there was walking toward me.

“Beneath the helmet, I could see nothing but these red eyes glowing in the darkness and as it approached I felt compelled to go down on one knee and said, ‘My prince you honour me with your presence!’

“Those red demonic eyes of his continued to stare right through me and as he pointed his spear at my head I thought he was going to impale me, but he simply said in a voice that sounded like twenty mouths speaking at once, ‘There now sits at the head of this country a knight that has neither been tested in combat, shaped by adversity, or proved worthy in the seven trials. This shames the land and the generations of blood spilled on it. What say you to this?’

“‘Well I didn’t vote Labour if that’s what you’re getting at.’ I replied. ‘But then again I never vote because the government always gets in!’”

Turnip explained, “He seemed to like the wisecrack and for a moment those red eyes of his turned blue, before he boomed, ‘Your roots are of the common clay Turnip. Much like the great Arthur himself. Now more than ever, this sacred isle has need of men such as you’”

Turnip revealed, “When the ghost knight finally revealed where King Arthur was buried and where Excalibur could be found, I felt like I have since I was a hyperactive toddler that broke things a lot. I was a born prince of the universe with the power to change the world and come hell or Llandovery, I was going to do exactly that!”

To be continued….