AN Abergavenny man who went on an illegal boar hunt in the Forest of Dean claims that he and his friends have stumbled across the secret that has evaded the greatest minds in history- the secret to eternal life!
“And it’s all thanks to the necromancer the old man of the woods warned us about,” explained semi-professional long-distance runner Johnny Turnip.
As reported last week, after crashing their Bedford Rascal and ending up in an unknown part of the forest, Turnip and his friends Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul could have called it quits, gone home, and left the pigs in peace.
However, they’re made of sterner stuff. Instead of calling the AA, they decided to make a fire, drink some whiskey, and discuss tactics for the next day’s boar hunt.
Turnip told the Chronicle “It was about 3 am and we were going to get some shut-eye because we wanted to be fresh for the next day’s killing. We were having one last dance to ‘Waterfall’ by The Stone Roses when an old man rocked up out of nowhere and just stood by the campfire all mysterious and brooding. He had his hoodie up so you couldn’t probably see his face but you could tell from his bow legs and the way he held himself he was getting on a bit."
Turnip added, “Anyhow, the song finished, Big Tony’s ghetto blaster fell silent and he just stood there for ages staring at us like he was Aragon from Lord of the Rings and we were his hobbits. The trouble was he was wearing shorts, so we couldn’t take him seriously and Puerto Rico Paul said as much when he hollered, ‘Why are you wearing shorts dick head?’
“The stranger realised at this point that the silent hard man routine was making him look a bit of a tool and so he just asked Paul, ‘Any of that whiskey going spare friend?’ We’ve never been the sort to deny anyone a drink in the early hours. Even potential psychopaths! And so we invited him to come sit and drink the fire water with us.”
As they talked and drank, Turnip revealed that the way the stranger spoke reminded them a lot of Captain Barbossa from The Pirates of the Caribbean movies.
“His accent cracked us up!” Explained Turnip. “Big Tony was particularly tickled and kept calling him the 'West Country hooligan!’ The funny thing is, when we asked his real name he said all seriously, ‘It’s Jenkins, Indiana Jenkins!’ Tone started choking on the whiskey in hysterics, but the stranger shot him the sort of look that could have emptied a pub.
“Tone eventually stopped hyperventilating, and asked the stranger, ‘Indiana, like in Indiana Jones?’ He looked at us with the intensity of a proper nut job before screaming in rage, ‘Who do you think Spielberg based the character on? Except compared with me that Indy was less alpha male and more of a big girl’s blouse-wearing Nancy boy!’
“Probably mistaking our embarrassed silence for awe, Indy just cackled like a head case on a public transport system, before taunting, ‘You blokes a bit woke? Are you? Gonna cancel me? You shocked by my choice of words?’ To which Tone replied, ‘It’s your accent we’re struggling with butt!’ He then gave Indy one of his meaningful looks and warned, ’Now behave, or I’ll take that bottle of whiskey off you!’"
Turnip added, "That did the trick. Indy went all apologetic and said, ‘Sorry lads! I’ve spent too much time in this here forest and it’s been a while since I’ve had anyone but wild pigs to converse with. The constant savagery and all that grunting and groaning in the night can make a man turn a bit funny. Civilised conversation has eluded me for far too long. But speak. Tell me what brings you to the woods!’”
Turnip explained that they were there to escape the hardships of everyday life and hunt some wild creatures to death.
“It was then he got particularly animated,” explained Turnip. “As soon as we mentioned butchering pigs he started shaking his head violently and muttering ‘No, no, no,' over and over again.
As a man who often judges other males on how much meat they can consume, Big Tony just looked at Indy scornfully and said, ‘What’s the matter with you? You some sort of vegan or something?’ The way Big Tony manages to make ‘vegan’ sound like ‘nazi’ is quite impressive but Indy just ignored him and screamed, ‘Fools! No one can hunt pigs in hidden parts of the Forest of Dean without the necromancer’s blessing. To do so is to risk death, or even worse, the seventh torment!’”
Turnip added, “Saying words like ‘the necromancer’ or ‘seventh torment’ to us is like offering a drunk on a diet a fat slice of cake. We were chomping at the bit and eager to meet this Mr Necromancer!
“I said to Indy, ‘Look mate, we’re here to cover ourselves with glory and pig blood, and ain’t returning to the Mardy until the war between man and beast has been won. Where does this necromancer live and how do we get his blessing?’ Indy just pointed South and said three miles in that direction. You can’t miss his house. It’s called the lonely cottage.’
"Puerto Rico Paul found this hilarious and chuckled,'What sort of nonsense name is that?' But to me, it had a kind of ring to it. If I was a wizard living in the woods I’d probably call my log cabin something classy and mysterious like Avalon, but each to their own."
Turnip explained that as it was nearly dawn they decided to skip sleep and set off there and then.
He said, “Indy led the way and sometimes I wished he never had, because when we met the necromancer we also learned the secret to eternal life and that’s a hard load for any man to carry. Even a semi-professional long-distance runner!”
To be continued....