SPENDING a night in a haunted house isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but an Abergavenny man has claimed that he and his friends are being condemned to live in one by a powerful warlock who wants to use them as bait to draw out an ancient and all-powerful evil.

“It’s a bit of a blow when you realise a manipulative magician regards you as little more than a worthless maggot wriggling on the hook to catch a supernatural fish with,” explained semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip, “But it’s not like me and the boys had any choice in the manner. It was a Catch-22 situation!”

Turnip told the Chronicle that after returning to his body from the astral realms and finding his friends under the terrible spell of the warlock Earl Elderflower, he knew he had to act.

“Seeing Big Tony convinced that he was B.A. Baracus and Puerto Rico Paul thinking he was Simon LeBon was heartbreaking,” explained Turnip. “I’ve seen those two clowns in some proper states, especially in the late nineties, but this was something else, this was sorcery!”

After being told by the mighty warlock that the only way to lift the spell would be to do his bidding, Turnip explained he was all ears and explained, “Apparently there’s this haunted house in rural Wales that no one will stay the night in, let alone live in. It’s got a fearsome reputation in both the locality and in the occult world because it’s like the Hotel California of restless spirits.”

Turnip added, “Elderflower told me that not only is it haunted by everyone from a burnt witch, an unlucky postman, and a failed musician but it’s a holiday home to one of Satan’s lieutenants.

“This den of despair was also rumoured to have built on a site sacred to an ancient nature spirit, that’s beyond good and evil, but nevertheless has been trapped within the houses’s four walls for centuries.

“It’s this ancient spirit that the Earl is so interested in. He believes if he can summon it forth, he can trap it and harness its limitless energy for his own ends. The only trouble is, we’re talking about a spirit that was old when dinosaurs roamed the earth. It would sniff out a warlock as soon as Elderflower pranced through the door. That’s where we come in!

“The warlock explained that our simple and unguarded ways would put the ancient spirit at ease. He called us ‘freaks of nature, far removed from the modern world and all its guile.’ The Earl reckons that the ancient spirit would manifest to us because we would remind it of the ancient Celts that once worshipped it. He would then make his move and trap it ‘like lightning in a bottle!’

“He explained he would be using something a bit like a doorbell camera called the ‘third eye’ while we were staying in the house, so he could keep a watch on proceedings.”

Realizing that this was the only option to free his friends from the warlock’s spell, Turnip asked, “Will it be dangerous?” To which the Earl replied, “Extremely. In one direction lies madness, despair, and the end of everything you hold dear, and in the other, a survivor’s story but with scars. Lots of them!”

Turnip told the Chronicle, “What could I do? Risk sanity and soul in a warlock’s mind game? Or condemn my friends to live the rest of their days believing they were two minor celebrities from the 1980s? The choice was crystal.

“I snarled at the warlock, ‘Ok dick head! What’s the name of this so-called ghost house? Where is it and when do you want us to move in?’

“The warlock replied, ‘It lies in the nether regions of darkest Powys, its name is Cherry Tree Cottage, and you’ll be moving in on New Year’s Eve!’

“I said, ‘Firstly, Powys is all nether regions as far as I’m concerned. Secondly, Cherry Tree Cottage sounds like somewhere a gang of teddy bears, or worse, millennials with beards who are into baking bread might live! As for New Year’s? Me and the boys like to go big at the end of December so there better be a fridge full of beer, a cupboard full of whiskey, and some bread to toast the next day and soak up the sauce!’

“‘Your wish is my command.’ Said Elderflower in a mocking tone. ‘Now do we have an accord?’

“‘If by that you mean a deal. Yeah! We do! We’ll stay long enough for this superpower thing to make a show and then you can grab it with a net. Now release my friends, warlock!’”

Turnip explained that with a smirk and a click of the Earl’s fingers, Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul fell to their knees and looked up at him all confused and lost “a little like hill sheep after a storm.”

As Elderflower launched himself off the Skirrid hilltop on a motorised paraglider he had hidden in the bushes, his last words as he headed towards the clouds were, “I will be in touch. Look to my coming at nightfall on the seventh day. At dusk, look to the West.”

“I just gave him the bird and said ‘Whatever Trevor! You dramatic old tart!’” Explained Turnip. “My biggest concern was how to tell the boys that they’d have to spend New Year’s in a rundown shed in Powys. They wouldn’t be happy! Like most Monmouthshire men, or just people in general, they have a natural aversion to Powys at the best of times.”

Turnip explained that his friends didn’t take the news well!

“For a while, they thought I was making some sort of sick joke,” explained Turnip. “None of them could remember anything about being possessed by minor celebrities from the 1980s, and the last thing any of them remember was the Earl saying ‘Look into my eyes, not around my eyes’ and then all was darkness.

“Yet when they realised the seriousness of our predicament, Puerto Rico Paul began to vomit profusely and Big Tony began repeatedly punching himself in the face. After he had finished beating himself bloody he looked at me with tearful eyes and exclaimed, ‘Powys? Why! For god’s sake JT. I’d be happier thinking I was a member of the A-Team for the rest of my days than spending New Year’s Eve in that hell-hole!’

“Puerto Rico Paul added, ‘We’ve experienced things together that no mortal should Johnny. But New Year’s Eve in Powys? You ask too much.’ He said shaking his head.

“‘Nothing is set in stone boys! I replied. ‘The situation is not as dire as it at first might seem. I have a plan to outwit this warlock and have the last laugh. Now let’s head to the pub and fine-tune the details!’”

To be continued….