AN Abergavenny man has warned people not to play with Ouija boards after he claims to have summoned up something a little more than he bargained for on New Year’s Eve.

Depending on which side of the fence you sit, Ouija boards are considered a harmless little party game that relies heavily on pseudoscience. Or they act as a portal to another realm where spirits roam and demonic entities wait patiently to prey on the unsuspecting and witless.

Semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip prides himself on falling into the latter camp.

He told the Chronicle that after he and his friends were given an Ouija board as a belated Xmas gift from a local warlock at the end of the year, they “played with fire and got burnt, badly!”

Turnip explained, “Even though me, Big Tony, and Puerto Rico Paul had plenty of experience playing with Ouija boards as young men, we never really took them seriously. "We were always the ones subtly pushing the glass or planchette and fooling gullible dickheads into thinking they were talking to the ghost of Julius Caesar or Kurt Cobain.

“Yet in my latter years when I became a paranormal investigator, I gained a newfound respect for communicating with the dead and realised these hotlines to the other side should be treated with reverence.”

Turnip added, “So when we unwrapped the parcel the postman had dropped off earlier that evening and found it was top of the range Ouija board from Earl Elderflower with a scribbled note reading, ‘Use this to draw out the ancient evil that resides within the walls of Cherry Tree Cottage,’ the party was very much on.”

Turnip revealed that after downing a few whiskey shots and some lager chasers to “make themselves more sensitive to spiritual manifestations and supernatural happenings” the boys sat down and began to “gradually tune into another dimension.”

Turnip told the Chronicle, “The right state of mind is everything when it comes to a successful Ouija occurrence. We used to mock anyone who was taken in by what we used to view as a Victorian parlour game but I have since realised that, to quote Stephen King ‘There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Henry, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.’

“Having said, that I could see the way Puerto Rico Paul was chain-smoking and sneering at me and Big Tony as we sombrely placed our fingertips on the planchette that he wasn’t exactly open to the cosmos.

“I said to him firmly, ‘Put your finger on the planchette Paul or it won’t work!’

“‘Jesus JT! Why are we wasting our time with this’ He pleaded. ‘You know these things are a crock of crap.

“‘Just play the bloody game, Paul!’ Bellowed Big Tony. ‘The sooner we can summon the ancient nature spirit, the sooner we can get out of this god-forsaken county!’”

Turnip explained, “Being forced to spend New Year’s Eve in Powys had hit Tone badly and Paul could sense the big fella was close to breaking point. Reluctantly he placed his finger on the planchette as we all chanted, ‘Spirits of the medium, are you there?’

“As we all looked nonchalantly around in an embarrassed silence and tried to not make eye contact with one another, we chanted again, but this time with a tangible lack of conviction, ‘Spirits of the medium are you there?’

“Once again we were greeted with that familiar atmosphere of disquiet that is all too familiar to middle-aged men who really should know better.

“Yet, just as we were about to throw the Ouija board at the wall and drink ourselves into oblivion, there was a blood-curdling scream from the kitchen and all the lights went out!”

Turnip added, “In a blind panic Big Tony jumped up, tripped over the coffee table, and went crashing to the floor like a dead weight. Puerto Rico Paul stood up, and, fag still in mouth, started doing some weird sort of kung-fu dance in the shadows and shouting gibberish.

“As the most practical amongst us, I just fished out my iPhone, put the torch on, and headed into the kitchen as Big Tony, who may have been concussed, moaned from the floor, ‘Careful JT! It could be a demonic horde.’

“‘Then let them come’ I roared. ‘I fear no demon spawn of Satan. I have the blood of a thousand Turnips flowing through my veins.’

“Hoping my bravado would make any malignant entity spat forth from the bowels of hell think twice, I burst into the kitchen and screamed, ’Show your face you motherless son of a bitch! You have no business here!

“As I waved the beam of my torch around the kitchen like a deranged and bloodthirsty Jedi knight, the light finally illuminated a pair of disembodied and unblinking eyes just above the sink. Eyes that were both vacant and full of contempt.

“‘What fresh horror from the abyss is this’ I wondered as my blood ran cold.

At that moment the electricity once again kicked into life, and a laughing Puerto Rico Paul walked in behind me and said, ‘It’s a bloody cat you moron.’

“Sure enough, the eyes belonged to a disgruntled-looking black cat, whose portly appearance seemed to suggest its rat-chasing days were well and truly over.

“As the cat sat there wheezing slightly and giving off a ‘poor me’ vibe, it looked less like a witch’s familiar and more like the spoilt and pampered pet of some bored housewife addicted to sugar, pizza, and prosecco.

“‘Here pussy!’ Cooed Paul as the cat miaowed pitifully.

"The cat then rashly leaped off the worktop and nearly broke its legs with the impact. Limping like a sloth fresh from the feast, it headed in the direction of Paul and began rubbing itself against his legs.

“Paul has always had a natural affinity with cats. As he picked it up it began purring affectionally, which triggered Paul to begin singing ‘What’s New Pussycat’ in the style of Simon LeBon.

“Turning away in disgust, I mused out loud, ‘The presence of the pussy still doesn’t explain the sudden loss of electricity. What strange magic is at work here?’

“As I racked my brains I was confronted by the ludicrous sight of Big Tony rubbing his chin and trying to look like he was deep in thought. It wasn’t a reassuring sight”

Turnip added, “Although the cat didn’t look particularly satanic, because it was a stray on the make and could have a detrimental effect on our attempts to contact the spirits, I asked Paul to put the thing outside

“‘This is Captain Cuddles’ home’ Paul barked defensively. ‘He’s not going anywhere!’

“‘Captain what?’ Asked Big Tony with an incredulous tone in his voice.

“‘Leave it Tone’ I warned. ’If he’s already named the damned thing he’s under the pussy’s spell and there’s no reasoning with him now. We must fight this evil alone.

“‘What’s new!’ Sighed Big Tony. ‘He always leaves the boys in the lurch at the slightest sniff of a stray.’

“As Puerto Rico Paul wandered off into the living room with Captain Cuddles while affectionally asking it if would like any whiskey in its milk, our attention was diverted by a booming knock at the door. And this time it was no postman delivering a Ouija board. It was something far worse!”

To be continued…….