AN Abergavenny man has warned the public to be vigilant and on guard against “anyone who contacts them out of the blue pretending to be a minor deity or mythical being” after he claims he had the wool pulled over his eyes by someone calling themselves “the triple goddess.”

Semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip told the Chronicle, “I’m ashamed to say that after having a vision where this goddess type figure told me I needed to capture a mermaid and make her cry if the world was to avoid an extinction level event, I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

“The thing is, I’m beginning to have serious doubts if this goddess was who she claimed, but more of a minor spirt in the paranormal world who gets there kicks out of sending knights like me on wild goose chases.”

Turnip claims he had “an epiphany that something was up” when he and his crew landed on Caldey Island in Pembrokeshire looking for John Lennon’s lost guitar.

“We had to anchor on what LG kept calling “the dark side of Caldey” to avoid the tourist trap. The monks and their people don’t take kindly to just anyone rocking up on their jetty without paying. “It’s big business! So me and the boys took the RIB to a secluded beach on the side of the island you can’t really see from Tenby.”

Turnip explained, that after mooring in the shallows, the boys waded through waist-deep water to a remote beach where they had to do a fair bit of climbing to access the main part of the island.

“It was a bit like D-Day but without the war part,” he explained. “And although we were wet, aching and irritable, the island soon worked its magic on us and we began to feel a bit more chilled about things,” explained Turnip.

“Caldey is a lovely place but even though the monks get to make their own beer and chocolate, I wouldn’t fancy living there, especially if you’re not allowed to talk. It must be a bit boring when you’re tanked up and you suddenly remember you’ve taken a vow of silence.”

Turnip explained that after wandering about aimlessly trying to locate Lennon’s lost guitar and arguing if Lou Reed had ever written a song about Caldey or not, LG started getting angry when it dawned on him that there was no pub or Sky Sports on the holy island.

“LG seemed to think that we’d be able to have a session on the island and got a bit irate when he realised he’d have to settle for a cappuccino buzz. He snapped, ‘Where’s me amber, where’s me nectar. Where’s my man who can turn water into wine. This rock isn’t biblical it’s dry. Let’s head back to he mainland our kid. It’s a bust!’

“Ignoring him completely with the learned indifference of an older brother, Noah just studied the ground like a bloodhound before shouting at what looked like a giant rabbit hole, ‘This is it! all roads lead here. This is the place where Lennon’s six-string is buried.'"

Turnip added, “Brother Noah sunk to his knees and stuck his hand into the hole and after a few seconds of grunting and groaning eventually pulled out, not a guitar, but a plastic toy. Except it wasn’t just any plastic toy but a doll of Ariel from the Little Mermaid. What’s more it had a note on it addressed to ‘The biggest Turnip of them all!’

“‘What the living Christ is that?’ Exclaimed Puerto Rico Paul.

“'It’s the bloody leprechauns!’ Growled Big Tony. ‘The little bastards are playing mind games with us.’

“‘Who you calling leprechauns pal?’ Said Brother Noah while arching one monstrous eyebrow in a dangerous and threatening manner.

“‘Your ruse is rumbled, Noah!’ Said Puerto Rico Paul, while smoking a fag stylishly. ‘I’ve had my doubts about you and LG since the get-go!’

“Enjoying coming across like a better dressed and cooler Columbo, Paul added, ‘There was never any guitar was there you two tools? You and your brother are working for the leprechauns to try and stop us from capturing a mermaid and using her tears to heal the world!’

“‘Is this true?” I asked the two moody Mancunians who just stood there looking miserable and scowling in their oversized parkas.

“‘Definitely maybe!’ Shouted LG.

“Before we could say ‘Beat it you pie-eating, cloth cap-wearing northerners,’ the two of them raced away, grunting insults and squealing merrily like a couple of piglets who have just escaped the butcher’s block.

“‘What now?’ Said Big Tony. ‘Everything’s gone a bit pear-shaped!’”

Turnip explained that as he gazed out to sea, and murmured, ‘It does seem the leprechauns have cut us down to size,’ he was suddenly struck by the notion that he had been fooled from the get-go. He asked himself, ‘Could the vision at the Green Man Festival where he saw the Triple goddess simply be the result of a stray leprechaun spiking his lager?

Turnip explained, “With a growing sense of despair I turned from the surf-tormented shore, looked to the heavens, and said to the gods, ‘Is all that we see or seem but a dream within a dream?’

“Puerto Rico Paul looked at me gravely, took a deep drag on his fag, and as he exhaled he simply said, ‘What?’

“And then it struck me, I had been played like a fiddle. The so-called Triple Goddess who sent me on this quest worked for the leprechauns. She was probably some minor spirit masquerading as a proper boss-like entity. How could I have been so gullible?’

“Yet the deeper question was, - what had they hoped to achieve by sending me and the boys on a wild goose chase, and what were they hiding?

“As I watched Big Tony throw stones into the sea with all the grace of a drunken baby elephant and Puerto Rico Paul chain smoke and play Wordle on his phone, the answer became clear. They were hoping to use my skill as perhaps the finest semi-professional paranormal investigator this world has ever known to capture the last remaining mermaid.

“Yet they did not want to use her tears to heal the world, the stunted little swine wanted to kill her and open the way to the unholy nightmare of a universe ruled by leprechauns.

“As I looked at the boys I had fought, drunk, and committed petty crimes with, it was crystal clear that fate had handpicked us to save the world yet again. It was a sobering thought to think that we few, we happy few, we band of brothers were all that stood between humanity and leprechaun hell.

“I knew exactly what we had to do next, but first we had to get off this bloody island, and grab a few pints. Cold turkey was beginning to threaten my thought process!”

To be continued....