WE live in an era where JustGiving or GoFundMe pages have been founded to raise cash for all manner of bizarre and unusual things, but have any been created before in the name of bringing magic back to the world?

That’s the end game of semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip who has spent the last week trying to fund his trip to America in search of his ancestor’s fabled magic pot.

“When I learned that my great grandaddy was Wild West legend Potato Creek Johnny and he had hidden a pot of fairy gold for one of his descendants to find and make the world magic again. I knew what I had to do!” Explained Turnip.

“Me and the boys have never been Stateside before, and Turnip’s Twilight Paranormal Research Society wasn’t exactly firing on all cylinders, so it was the perfect time for us to jump on a jet plane and head for the promised land.”

Turnip told the Chronicle, “The only trouble was we didn’t have any means to finance the trip, but the biggest problem was that Puerto Rico Paul couldn’t get a passport.

"He reckons it’s because of an air rage incident some years back but I have my doubts.

“I know there was a rumour going around that someone started making fun of Duran Duran when he was on a flight back from Ibiza and things got a bit messy in the air, leading to Paul’s subsequent arrest. But he got off with a suspended sentence so I doubt if they’d take his passport away. No! I think there’s another reason he can’t get into the States and it doesn’t involve Simon LeBon!”

Turnip explained that as it transpired, Puerto Rico Paul’s lack of a passport became a secondary problem when they realised their fundraising endeavours were going nowhere fast.

“Our campaign to finance our mission pretty much flopped like a dead fish,” said Turnip.

“It’s typical of this town! No ambition or vision! We’re trying to heal the world with magic and all we get is snide comments on our fundraising pages along the lines of, ‘I see those three chancers are on the make again!’ ‘Those guys still around. I thought the mouthy one had died, the fat one was in jail and the weird one had been sectioned!’”

Turnip added, “Those sorts of comments are not helpful and I probably would have got a bit disheartened and thrown in the towel if I wasn’t good mates with Tom Cruise.

“Soon as I realised we were a bit cash-strapped and we could run into a few problems with border control, I got in touch with Tyke, and asked if he could fly us into America under the radar.”

Turnip explained, “Tyke loves a mission impossible and the thought of trying to smuggle us three likely lads into the States in his Black Hawk proved too much for him to resist.

“‘Give me a couple of days and I’ll pick you up from Mardy Playing Fields at the break of dawn,’ He explained.

“Tyke knows the area well because he’s spent a lot of time crashing at my flat when the unreal nature of Hollywood gets a little too much for him. The best part is I told him what we were planning and he got all excited and said he’d bring a suitcase full of half a million in used dollars so we didn’t have to worry about money and could concentrate solely on finding the fairy gold.”

Turnip said, “Back when I first suggested the idea Big Tony was adamant he didn’t want to go because he has a fear of clouds and doesn’t want to be that close to them.

“Puerto Rico Paul naturally grasped at the idea like an alcoholic reaching for the whisky in the last chance salon and said enthusiastically, ‘We’ll be the new John and Paul and break America wide open. It won’t know what’s hit it. Big Tony can be our Ringo but he’s not essential to the dynamic. So let the fat oaf quiver, tremble, and rot here if needs be, I’m not missing my big opportunity to shine like a diamond!

“Of course, when I told Big Tony about the half-million and the Black Hawk he soon changed his mind and we all began packing.”

Turnip told the Chronicle, “I’m not one for farewells, so just prior to leaving I sent Nanny Annie ‘Horror-Show’ Turnip a text message saying ‘Bye!’

“She could have come with us but she just said, ‘I’ve seen enough of this world and I want to spend my final days drinking in peace and trying to forget it ever existed!’ I could relate to that.

“Apart from that old witch, the only other member of the clan I’ll miss is my nephew Salty. But he has to make his own way in the world and can do without the extra burden and mental health challenges of an older relation.”

Turnip explained that Tom Cruise landed his chopper in Abergavenny just as dawn broke last Wednesday.

He mused, “It must have been a strange sight seeing a Black Hawk touch down at the home of Mardy FC midweek. Stranger still to see a Hollywood legend jump out and embrace three awkward-looking guys carrying plastic bags full of booze.

“Still. I’ve seen a lot weirder things happen up there in my time!”

Turnip added, “As Cruise beamed his big American smile and shouted above the noise of the helicopter blades, ‘Great to see you guys. In a world of cynics, we are God’s hopeful men. Now jump in that bitch and let's take a direct route to the stars,' we felt like we were making Top Gun 3!”

Turnip added. “As the chopper rose into the heavens I looked at the surrounding hills guarding Abergavenny and the River Usk shimmering like a serpent made of glass and wondered out loud if we’d ever see any of it again.

“‘Who cares!’ Said Puerto Rico Paul puffing on a fag as he put Carter USM’s ‘Only Living Boy In New Cross’ on the Bluetooth speaker thing he carries everywhere with him.

“As we climbed higher and higher into the empty skies and Jim Bob sang about the ‘comfort and joy of being lost’ we watched the town that had shaped, nourished, and broke us slide out of view like someone else’s nightmare. And as we turned to that bright, inviting horizon where anything is possible and a soul can be washed clean, someone turned up the music and we drank ourselves blind.”

To be continued….