As all budding entrepreneurs and cynical chancers know, it’s hard to get any business, be it a gardening firm or digital content agency, off the ground in this fiercely competitive economy, but the difficult just got insurmountable when people keep mistaking your paranormal research society for a brothel!

Admittedly, people don’t commonly mistake ghost hunters with sex workers but for Abergavenny man and professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip, being mistaken for someone who is involved in the ‘oldest profession’ is becoming something of a nightmare.

“It all began when we changed the company's name from ‘Turnip’s Twilight Paranormal Research Society’ to ‘Strangers In The Night’,” explained Turnip.

“At the time I thought the name would help give us the cutting edge that would help us stand out, but in hindsight, I can see how people might think we’re an escort agency instead of Wales’s premium paranormal research society.

“I should never have let Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul talk me into rebranding the business. They got all stroppy about the fact it was originally called ‘Turnip’s Twilight Paranormal Research Society’ and wanted something a bit more democratic and edgy.

“So we had a brainstorming session over a crate of Stella and came up with ‘Strangers In The Night.’

“It sounded sort of cool, mystical, and occult-like at the time, and we got Terry Atari from the pub to build us a Facebook page and a website. He even got business cards printed off with ’Strangers In The Night’ on them with, the strap-line, ‘No job too big or too small.’

“The trouble is, although Terry Atari is a whizz with tech, he’s somewhat lacking in social skills and common sense. I think he’s got the mental thing that artists and people on disability benefits have.”

Turnip added, “Anyhow, nowhere on our business cards, or what Puerto Rico Paul delights in calling our socials, did it say we’re a paranormal research society. It just says ‘Strangers In The Night’ in lipstick red on a black background. "The only other words are ‘No job too big or too small,’ our office phone number, and ‘Call Johnny, Tony, or Paul to see how we can help!"

“Of course, we were so excited at having our own brand we didn’t think about the connotations.

“The first time we knew something was up was when a guy called Gabriel rang up and said he was ‘interested in a Spanish experience and ‘did we sail that way?’

“Big Tony answered that one and just put it down to a prank call, but when a guy who just referred to himself as an ‘intrigued gentleman’ called and asked if we ‘catered for individuals who adored being dominated by a well-heeled and stockinged foot’ we knew something fishy was going on.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that was just the beginning of an avalanche of calls from “interested and excited parties.”

“I’m as open-minded as the next person,” explained Turnip.

“But man! That phone didn’t stop ringing. It just goes to show how popular an escort agency would be in Abergavenny!

“But we’re not in the meat market, we operate on a metaphysical level, and so after getting Terry Atari to revamp the website and print off new business cards, we’ve now gone back to the original name of ‘Turnip’s Twilight Paranormal Research Society.’

“And just so no one gets confused we’ve got the strap-line, ‘Qualified experts in the paranormal, occult and afterlife.’”

Turnip told the Chronicle that since the rebranding they’ve had a few calls, but nothing in comparison to when the public thought they were running an escort agency.

“It seems people are more interested in the pleasures of the flesh than the higher realms. It’s a pain though, because I thought this little venture of ours into the unknown in search of truth would not only help bring magic back to the world but be a nice little earner to boot.

“So far, we’ve had two callers!

"The most interesting was a lady looking for assistance to help a phantom hitchhiker make his way into the afterlife.

“The ‘ghost’ had apparently been spotted loads of times by newcomers to the area. They say he prowls the stretch of road between Llanfoist and Govilon looking for lifts at about the same time the pubs shut. He doesn’t do anything bad, just gets in the car and talks nonsense about not being at peace to anyone foolish enough to give him a ride.

“She was a nice enough lady, and willing to pay us well to “help the poor soul make his final journey.’ But I didn’t want to take her shilling and simply said, ‘Look love. That sounds like rambling Jimmy. He’s no ghost just an alcoholic albino who doesn’t like walking. He lives in Govilon and has been bumming lifts on that stretch of road since the nineties.’”

Turnip explained, “She wasn’t too happy with the explanation and so I had to put her straight. ‘The thing is love!’ I said, ‘Sometimes the only explanation for all that is strange and otherworldly in life is the boring and simple one. Would you prefer I fleeced you blind and sent you home with a head full of fairytales? We’re in the business of truth-seeking. Jimmy the rambler is no mystery to be solved, more a menace to be avoided!’

“She wasn’t too happy with my response and called us ‘charlatans!’ Which is a bit rich. But as a fledgling paranormal society, integrity is everything to us and we have to remain true to our principles.”

Turnip explained, “The other caller was convinced there was an ancient evil in Keepers’ Pond that was like the Welsh version of the Loch Ness monster, but Big Tony’s a keen fisherman and said it was just a particularly old and nasty pike he had been trying to catch for years.”

Turnip lamented, “It seemed that our paranormal business venture was doomed to failure and we were simply dancing with ourselves, until a chance encounter with Nanny Annie ‘Horror-Show’ Turnip sowed the seeds for our biggest adventure yet!”

To be continued ........