With shops closing left, right, and centre, and high streets in towns across the UK a mere shadow of their former glory, it’s always a joy to see an up-and-coming entrepreneur swim against the tide, take the bull by the horns, and open a new business.

Hoping to “put the ‘E’ back into the Abergavenny economy” is none other than local lad and former semi-professional paranormal investigator Johnny Turnip.

“Finally making the leap and turning professional in the world of paranormal activity has been a dream of mine since I could crawl,” explained Turnip.

“The only thing that’s been holding me back all these years is a lack of investment, a lazy disposition, and a borderline alcohol problem. Suffice to say, thanks to my old mate Julius Geezer, the investment issue is no longer a problem, and me and the boys will be opening up our very own professional paranormal shop next week.”

Although he describes it as a shop, Turnip is quick to acknowledge it’s more of a society.

“We don’t sell anything except our services. There’s no crystal balls, tarot cards, rabbit feet, or wizard’s hats for sale,” he explained.

“Me, Big Tony, and Puerto Rico Paul are more consultants and truth seekers in the realm of the unknown and you’ll be paying for our expertise and knowledge. We’re promoting it as a shop to help get the word out and the punters in.”

Although he is reluctant to reveal the exact location of the ‘shop’ because of “tax and licensing reasons,” Turnip told the Chronicle that it’ll be based in the centre of town in a flat above a takeaway.

Turnip said, “We’ve purposefully made it hard to find because we know what this town’s like. Soon as word gets around that me and the boys have got something legit going on, you’ll get the usual idiots turning up with a big bag of drugs and trying to drag us down to their level.

“Now while there’s a time and a place for that sort of thing, me and the boys are on a mission. We’re bringing magic back to the masses and can’t afford to get distracted. We’re hoping to attract quality people who need a little help addressing and resolving the paranormal activity in their life.”

Turnip explained that the flat had recently been refurbished and made to look a little like a cross between Yoda’s cave in The Empire Strikes Back and Sherlock Holmes’s famous Baker Street residence

“It’s kind of weird sci-fi crossed with Victorian gothic,” explained Turnip. “We want to show people we’re serious and not just some chancers out to make a buck from the gullible and the lost.”

Turnip told the Chronicle that before it was reopened as ‘Turnip’s Twilight Paranormal Research Society’ the ’shop’ was the home of two guys named John Lemon and Lou Weed.

“We couldn’t believe it when Julius Geezer told us their names. What’s the chances?” He explained.

“It’s Julius’s flat you see and when I bumped into him and asked him if he could help me get my new project off the ground, he told me that although he couldn’t help with any funding, a couple of tenants of his were moving out of one of his flats and we could use that as a base of operations rent free.”

Turnip added, “Julius, as his name suggests is a proper geezer, and we’re not the sort of dogs to sniff our noses up at a choice bone when it’s thrown our way, so we jumped at the chance.”

Turnip explained that when he first visited the flat to have a look around with Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul, they found that Jack Lemon and Lou Weed were packing.

“They were strange blokes,” Said Turnip. “Didn’t say much and they both had speech impediments. “Lou Weed kept lisping and the one called Lemon had a sort of stutter.

“Apparently they were off to the States to work for Donald Trump in “an unofficial capacity.” This got a snigger out of Puerto Rico Paul who said, ‘Oh well! Worse things happen at sea.’ To which Lou Weed just looked at him all weird and said, ‘No. They don’t. Worse things happen on acid!’

“We couldn’t really argue with that and there was a bit of an embarrassed silence until Julius finally turned up and told them to clear off.

“‘Morons!’ He sighed, looking at their backs and shaking his permed locks as they walked down the stairs. ‘The missus warned me not to let anyone from Brynmawr rent the place, but did I listen? Still, you boys moving in has finally helped me give them the old heave-ho!'

As Julius cracked open some beers and we began to reminisce about glorious drug-fuelled summers of yesteryear, Big Tony asked, ‘So where those two tools off to now? They told JT they were off to America on government business.’

“After he’d finished choking on his drink, Julius roared, ‘Absolute fantasists. Those two have never set foot out of Wales. The only place there heading is a caravan in Porthcawl. I told them they can live in my old one until they’ve sorted themselves out. Which will be never! Still, I’m a big-hearted softie, what can I do?’ Said Julius as he opened his flabby track-suited arms in a ‘why me?’ gesture."

Turnip explained, “Julius is the opposite of a big-hearted softie, he just likes to have people in his pocket, which is why I’m wary of operating from here for too long rent-free. He’ll want something for his largesse, and it’ll be something big further down the line. Still, that’s a headache for another morning.”

Turnip added, “As Julius made his farewells and wandered off to sort out a shipment of tracksuits that had gone missing, I turned to Big Tony and Puerto Rico Paul, held aloft my beer and cried, “We’ve made it amigos. We are entering a new frontier where outlaws don’t need a gun and a horse, they just need a little imagination and a lot of nerve.

"Max Boyce may have turned down the opportunity to officially declare Turnip’s Twilight Paranormal Research Society open, but we’ll blow the doors off the hinges ourselves and mark my words. They’ll come running!’

“Except they didn’t. Something else did. Something that would turn our world on its head."

To be continued……